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Reality TV Revelations

By The Beachwood Reality TV Affairs Desk

Recent unsurprising news that Jon and Kate Gosselin had long lived apart and came together only to stage episodes of their terminally boring TV show is nothing compared to the revelations that will rock the reality TV world this coming season.

Little People, Big World: It turns out that Matt and Amy Roloff aren't really dwarves. If you remove the camera filters, they look like this.

The Hills: In a series of big shockers this season, we'll learn that the departed Lauren Conrad actually has no clothes design skills; Audrina Patridge is an android; and none of them actually live in California. They live in Winnipeg.

Top Chef: It turns out that the stoves are never actually turned on.

Hell's Kitchen: They really didn't cook tonight; it's delivery from Pizza Hut!

I Survived A Japanese Game Show: Actually filmed in China to save on labor costs.

America's Got Talent: In a desperate bid to boost ratings, producers will finally come clean and admit that America really doesn't have talent. Viewership will double for the rest of the season.

Great American Road Trip: Actually filmed in China to save on labor costs.

16 & Pregnant: Well, 16 when they have their kids, not necessarily when they are conceived.

A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila: Testing by international race officials will find that Tila Tequila is really a man. Which actually doesn't really change the show.

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? Jon Gosselin and Audrina Patridge will appear and learn that they are not. The scandal comes when it is revealed the questions used were for fourth-graders and they still lost.

Celebrity Fit Club: America is shocked to learn that the cast is composed neither of celebrities nor those who are fit.

I'm A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!: A bitter Stephen Baldwin spills the beans that the whole thing was filmed in the same sound studio where the moon landing was shot.

Millionaire Matchmaker: The tabloids blow the lid of the life and times of Patty Stanger. Turns out she's a royal bitch.

The Pick-Up Artist: Is anyone really surprised that Mystery is still a virgin?

Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels: The part of Michaels has actually been played by Vince Neil.

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Posted on September 14, 2009