Oprah's Other Secrets

"Oprah Winfrey has discovered she has a half-sister - a Milwaukee woman who was given up for adoption by Winfrey's mother nearly 50 years ago, when the talk show host was eight years old," AP reports.

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The Beachwood has learned, however, that this isn't the only "secret" Oprah will reveal this year. The others:

* Oprah is a man.

* Oprah's real name is Harpo.

* Oprah has also discovered 1,429,865 other siblings she didn't know she had - and they all want to be compensated in the manner due to them.

* Oprah is not a lesbian. She's bi.

* Stedman Graham is an alien sent here to befriend Earth's most powerful person.

* Oprah once had an affair with Rahm Emanuel but she got creeped out by his dirty talk in the bedroom.

* Oprah is broke, having invested all her money with Bernie Madoff and Carol Moseley-Braun.

* Oprah attends meetings of the Federal Reserve's Open Market Committee because she controls so much of the world's money supply.

* Oprah rooted for the Packers.

* Oprah's childhood nickname was Snooki.

* Oprah is an angel sent here by God. Oh wait, she's already told us that.

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Comments welcome.

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1. From Beachwood Mark:

* Used to demand that the waiters at the Parthenon shout Oprah! when they lit her saganaki.

* Also has four brothers named Groucho, Gummo, Zeppo and Chico.

* In order to embarrass one of her talk show rivals at the time, secretly broke into Al Capone's vault and took out all the good stuff before Geraldo showed up.

* Believed for a time that the W flag at Wrigley was flown in honor of her; after learning the truth upon asking the club to change it to the more commonly recognized O, was furious and pledged her lifelong baseball allegiance to that other team.

* Three people died in an Oprah's Favorite Things-related scrum and knife fight in the line outside of Harpo Studios; trip to Australia was added at the last minute to avoid messy inquiry and PR nightmare.

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