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Oprah's Other Secrets

"Oprah Winfrey has discovered she has a half-sister - a Milwaukee woman who was given up for adoption by Winfrey's mother nearly 50 years ago, when the talk show host was eight years old," AP reports.


The Beachwood has learned, however, that this isn't the only "secret" Oprah will reveal this year. The others:

* Oprah is a man.

* Oprah's real name is Harpo.

* Oprah has also discovered 1,429,865 other siblings she didn't know she had - and they all want to be compensated in the manner due to them.

* Oprah is not a lesbian. She's bi.

* Stedman Graham is an alien sent here to befriend Earth's most powerful person.

* Oprah once had an affair with Rahm Emanuel but she got creeped out by his dirty talk in the bedroom.

* Oprah is broke, having invested all her money with Bernie Madoff and Carol Moseley-Braun.

* Oprah attends meetings of the Federal Reserve's Open Market Committee because she controls so much of the world's money supply.

* Oprah rooted for the Packers.

* Oprah's childhood nickname was Snooki.

* Oprah is an angel sent here by God. Oh wait, she's already told us that.


Comments welcome.


1. From Beachwood Mark:

* Used to demand that the waiters at the Parthenon shout Oprah! when they lit her saganaki.

* Also has four brothers named Groucho, Gummo, Zeppo and Chico.

* In order to embarrass one of her talk show rivals at the time, secretly broke into Al Capone's vault and took out all the good stuff before Geraldo showed up.

* Believed for a time that the W flag at Wrigley was flown in honor of her; after learning the truth upon asking the club to change it to the more commonly recognized O, was furious and pledged her lifelong baseball allegiance to that other team.

* Three people died in an Oprah's Favorite Things-related scrum and knife fight in the line outside of Harpo Studios; trip to Australia was added at the last minute to avoid messy inquiry and PR nightmare.


Posted on January 25, 2011

MUSIC - Chief Keef Changed The Industry.
TV - Vizio's Best Product Is You.
POLITICS - UIC: Soda Taxes Work.
SPORTS - More McCaskey Malpractice.

BOOKS - All About Poop.


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