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Really Commercial TV

By Scott Buckner

Most people have hailed the invention of the DVR for its ability to fast-forward through commercials. But I'm not most people, so even if I could afford a DVR, I'd hail it as something that lets me take a better look at commercials because, believe me, asbestos-induced lung disease, drugs gone wild, filing for bankruptcy, or being ass-ended while I'm minding my own business sitting in my car at a red light are about the only bright spots standing between being broke and being homeless for guys who have been unemployed a lot longer than I have.

Still, I remain cheerful enough on a daily basis to ponder whether some commercials are just examples of the kind of reckless excess that makes this country a target for radical extremists from other nations who have never known the soothing ahhhhhhhhhh of a Sleep Number bed, or whether they're actually useful shit that could make life better for everyone, just like those little rubber mat thingamajigs that make opening jars so easy. You decide.

* Because Medicare might not spring for grandma's hip-replacement surgery.

If ancient cultures had Dr. Frank around, they wouldn't have had to set their arthritic elderly adrift on ice floes to die. Or their arthritic elderly pets.

* Because maybe Jesus is tired of being stuck on the dashboard.

Who couldn't use more of The Lord in their life, dangling around their neck and clad in enough crystals to reflect the sun and melt the eyeballs of anyone standing nearby on a bright day? Introducing the Prayer Cross. It's religion! It's a View-Master! Hold it up to the light and peer through the "secret center stone" to see a Lilliputian version of The Lord's Prayer inside, provided your eyesight's good enough to read print that small. If it isn't, you can just go to the Prayer Cross home page and hear the first line of it being recited while you hold up the cross and stare blankly at the center.

* Because there are times when even the women who show up on Springer like to look hot.

I'm not a woman and I have no hair left to speak of, so I don't what women with a lot of hair might consider to be cheap and tawdry. But even I know that something like EZ Combs might be a better value for the same money than the Bedazzler. Then again, I don't know a thing about high fashion involving studs and rhinestones, either.

* Because guys with metal detectors are really sick of digging up pull tabs.

Turn tin cans of whatever you're drinking into make-believe bottles with a re-sealable screwcap! Bottle Tops are a more-expensive option to just jamming a wad of aluminum foil into the opening of a beverage can to stop the yellow jackets from crawling in and the carbonation from crawling out. Your can of Bud probably won't look as manly in your hand with one of these clamped onto it, but still.

* Because maybe God gives everyone one phone call after they die, and you might be on the road.

I often wondered why Billy Mays would need a cell phone since even the dead could hear him - even when he was using his indoor voice. But if you're someone like me who's deaf in one ear and finds Bluetooth earpieces to be a complete pain in the ass, the Jupiter Jack could be the one piece of merchandise you don't mind Billy shouting at you about as if you were deaf in both ears. Drive safe, be safe - provided you don't own a rustbucket beater that even the neighborhood crackheads keep stealing the cheap, worthless stereo out of.

* Because what doesn't kill you just opens your possibilities for breakfast.

There hasn't been a single commercial for McDonald's I've liked since, well, never. But the other morning, I microwave-reheated and ate a Big Mac I had sitting in the back of my refrigerator for four days without dying, puking, or developing any sort of intestinal distress. This has absolutely nothing to do with any McDonald's commercial present or past. I just thought someone out there might like to know it can be done.

-

Scott Buckner welcomes your comments.



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Posted on August 4, 2009


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PEOPLE PLACES & THINGS - Don't Let Your Pet OD.


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