Charles Sustar

Who: Charles Sustar

Where: Phoenix, Az.

Organization: The Sustar Ministries/World Christian Center Church and the "Flames of Revival" Television Network.

Invitation: "Buckle your seatbelt, let's have church!"

All in the Family: Rev. Michael Sustar, who looks like he just wandered in from a GEICO commercial, plays electric piano as his slick-haired brother Rev. Stephen Sustar beats electric drums with each pad programmed to sound like different cowbells. Together they sing, "I feel Jesus" over and over.

The Set: A Sunday morning church version of a high school production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, with fake forest and ivy growing up the walls and stone pillars. The pillars support an arch in the middle of the two brothers, lit by neon purple and red backlighting.

The Message: Charles asks and answers the question, "Is there anything too hard for God?" by retelling the story of how Abraham and Sarah, (which he pronounced Say-raah) became pregnant at they age of 100. He criticizes them for doubting and reminds all his viewers to trust God with life's biggest problems.

What he forgets to mention, however, was Abraham's miraculous ability to have sex at 100 years old. Was there an ancient form of Viagra that I'm unaware of?

Persona: Screaming. Lots of screaming, both in English and tongues, while he punches the air. He also likes to point at the camera and rarely addresses his studio audience.

Bogus Quote: "I know people in this world who are so worried about what they'll have for breakfast, they'll lay it out days before."

Really? Wouldn't the milk go sour?

Tongues Quote: "Ba-ha-lah-ba-ha-lah-ya." (Translation: My message is running short and I need to fill space)

Prayers R Us: Call (602) 870-8777 with prayer requests during the broadcast and Charles will read your most personal sins and ailments to 500 million homes worldwide. (His numbers, not mine.) He does it because he loves you. He said so. Multiple times.

Prayer cloth: Rev. Joan L. Sustar, Charles' make-up inundated wife with plastic cheekbones, offers to send a free prayer cloth to anyone who calls. The cloth can be laid upon your body, or anywhere you need a miracle, and "God will use it as a calling point to meet your needs."

Without the cloth, God is apparently powerless to lend a hand.

Life Advice: "Don't call yourself old, you become what you call yourself. I want to call good things into my life. I refuse to say old."

And yet, he ages.

Lesson: When everyone in your family is a Reverend, cloths become calling points and warm milk lasts forever.

Hallelujahs: 2.5

- Steve Yaccino

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