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You Might Be The Cubs If . . .

* Winning two in a row seems like an accident.

* You go to closer-by-subcommittee.

* You have Blake Lalli and Koyie Hill on the same roster.

* Memorial Day is for reflecting on a season already lost.

* Your best pitcher has a 2.14 ERA and is winless in eight starts.

* Joe Mather is your No. 3 hitter.

* Alfonso Soriano is your highest-paid player.

* Your owner has a rich, bigoted daddy whose money bought the team.

* Rafael Dolis was your closer until he got demoted - to AAA.

* Your manager's nickname is Nuts.

* Your best rookie is 29 years old.

* He platoons with Jeff Baker.

* Your third baseman's batting average is less than his weight.

* You just held a tear-filled retirement ceremony for a pitcher whose lifetime record is 86-75.

* That's more games than the entire team will win this year.

* You're in the first year of rebuilding 104 years after your last World Series win.

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