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The Real Reasons Ryno Was Rejected

Why did the Cubs not only "spurn" Ryne Sandberg but "break [his] heart?"

The Beachwood Ad Hoc Committee On Cubs Affairs has learned that Ryno was rejected for the following reasons:

* Insisted on being called Ryno.

* Real name is Randy Michaels.

* Demanded fans in section 114 hold up signs calling themselves "Ryno's Gynos."

* Joe Morgan used his secret veto.

* Concessions manager unsure team could sell a "Rynestone Sandwich."

* Cubs marketing department hesitant to use "Get Sandberged" as 2011 slogan.

* Has outstanding warrants in three states for overseeing elaborate four-year runs-for-wins scheme.

* Wore t-shirt to interview reading "Who the fuck is Darwin Barney?"

* Had Shawn Boskie penciled in as Opening Day starter.

* Proposed contractual allowance for gold teeth.

* Brought preliminary clay model of his statue to the interview.

* Wanted Steve Stone as his bench coach.

* Refused to drive a Chevy like Ronnie's.

* No way, not after that awful RCN Cable/Beaches commercial.

* Winning record in minors showed he clearly did not understand Cubs culture.

* Bet Pete Rose that he was a lock.

* Turns out it wasn't Ryne Sandberg that Jim Hendry interviewed; it was some guy named Ryan Sandberg who had been managing the Iowa Cubs this whole time.

* Insisted the Cubs hire Rafael Palmeiro as a special assistant for $500,000 a year. Palmeiro's sole responsibility would be to allow Sandberg to hit him in the face with a fungo bat every day during batting practice.

* For some reason, he would only take the job if Tuffy Rhodes and Hector Villanueva were on the active roster.

* Turned out to be extremely bad under pressure. Early in the face to face interview, he nervously yelled "Fuck Chevy, fuck Budweiser, fuck the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation and fuck you!!!" at assistant GM Randy Bush before sprinting full speed out of the Cubs front offices.

* Tested positive for PEDs . . . last week.

* He planned to retire again first so he could triple-dip from the Cubs pension system.

* Wanted Addison Red Line stop renamed "Ryneland."

* Demanded team change name to "SuperAwesome MegaHippos" for some reason.

* Shanked a guy outside of Murphy's just to watch him bleed.

* Spent the whole interview asking if Ozzie Guillen would hang out with him after the games.

* Jim Hendry only interviewed him because he was hoping to meet Cindy Sandberg.

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- Andrew Reilly, Thomas Chambers, Drew Adamek, Carl Mohrbacher, Dan O'Shea, Steve Rhodes

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