Sports

Ways The Cubs Can Boost Attendance

By The Beachwood Crowd Control Desk

"Attendance Down Sharply At Wrigley," the Tribune reports.

We have some suggestions.

* Change name to Blackhawks.

* Simulcast Blago trial.

* Equip new Toyota sign with lasers.

* More advertising!

* Batting clean-up, Sammy Sosa!

* Sign Albert Belle to fill void left by Milton Bradley, Carlos Zambrano.

* Every day is Patrick Kane Bobblehead Day.

* More runs, less noodles.

* Meet new Cubs manager Jim Riggleman!

* Commemorative Cups of Clout. Collect 'em all and redeem your prize at City Hall or Tom Tunney's ward office.

* Replace guest seventh-inning stretch singers with guest third-base coaches. They won't need to know the signs because Cubs runners never get that far.

* Run The Bases Backwards Day. Though this might be too similar to regular Cubs' games to make much of a difference.

* Carlos Zambrano Exploding Bobblehead Day.

* More advertising!

* Women- and Minority-Owned Business Day. And you don't even have to be a woman, a minority or own a business.

* Tom Tunney Dunk Tank Day. With real sharks and real cinnamon buns.

* Free mental health screening to first 10,000 customers!

* Just have City Hall do the counting. Two Million Crowd Wrigley Field For Pirates Finale!

* More advertising!

* Replace national anthem singers with that guy from Police Academy who makes all the noises.

* Beat The Crap Out Of Jon Burge Day.

* Ron Santo returns to third base.

* More priests and goats. Heh-heh.

* How 'bout stringing a few wins together?

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Comments welcome.

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1. Paul Clark writes:

* Ron Santo is third base.

* Let Billy Williams bat. (It won't increase run production but watching that sweet swing again would be fun.)

* Hold American Idol tryouts in the bleachers.

* Replace the ivy with a bunch of venus fly trap plants.

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