Subscribe to the Newsletter

Trump's Cubs

"Donald Trump has threatened to run attack ads against the Ricketts family after the Cubs owners contributed money to a super PAC opposing the GOP candidate," Sports Illustrated notes.

"In an interview with the Washington Post, Trump laid out exactly what he meant last month when he said the Ricketts 'better watch out' when spending against him.

"Well, it means that I'll start spending on them," Trump said. "I'll start taking ads telling them all what a rotten job they're doing with the Chicago Cubs.

As many have pointed out, it's an odd thing to say at a time when the Cubs are the darlings of Major League Baseball and the favorites to win the World Series.

But it got us to thinking: What if Trump ran the Cubs?

* Team no longer called the Cubs. Just the word Trump across their chests.

* No road games. Teams should have to come here to play.

* At Trump Stadium, each base will be renamed: Trump Home, Trump First, Trump First Again, Trump First Again Again, because Trump is never Second or Third.

* Fine print on season tickets allows Trump to re-assign seating whenever he finds someone willing to pay more.

* No more Mexicans on the team because they are rapists. They can be on the grounds crew, though.

* Trump will petition MLB to change National League to Nationalism League.

* The Chicago Trumps will fight with anyone who looks like they don't belong in the game, including the opposing team's black players, because they might be ISIS.

* Trump Steaks On A Stick here! Get yer Trump Steaks On A Stick!

* All game film produced by Leni Riefenstahl's closest living relative.

* Aaron Carter replaces national anthem singer Wayne Messmer. Last line changed to "home of The Donald."

* Scott Baio replaces Jim Belushi as celebrity mascot.

* Mike Ditka still gets to sing the seventh-inning stretch. And it's "root, root, root for the Trumps, if they don't win you'll be sorry."

* That no-good hippie Joe Maddon is out. He was terrible, frankly. Terrible manager. Ugly glasses. We're gonna get a world-class manager. Let's bring Dusty Baker back, he sounds like my kind of guy. I've never met him, but I'm sure he's a good-looking guy, right?

* Cheerleaders.


Comments welcome.

More from Beachwood Sports »

'Just Let Me Play Sports'

Adelyn Vigil sometimes dreams of volleyball. Texas Republicans are standing in her way.

Continue reading "'Just Let Me Play Sports'" »

Posted on Oct 11, 2021