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Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
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"Donald Trump has threatened to run attack ads against the Ricketts family after the Cubs owners contributed money to a super PAC opposing the GOP candidate," Sports Illustrated notes.
"Well, it means that I'll start spending on them," Trump said. "I'll start taking ads telling them all what a rotten job they're doing with the Chicago Cubs.
As many have pointed out, it's an odd thing to say at a time when the Cubs are the darlings of Major League Baseball and the favorites to win the World Series.
But it got us to thinking: What if Trump ran the Cubs?
* Team no longer called the Cubs. Just the word Trump across their chests.
* No road games. Teams should have to come here to play.
* At Trump Stadium, each base will be renamed: Trump Home, Trump First, Trump First Again, Trump First Again Again, because Trump is never Second or Third.
* Fine print on season tickets allows Trump to re-assign seating whenever he finds someone willing to pay more.
* No more Mexicans on the team because they are rapists. They can be on the grounds crew, though.
* Trump will petition MLB to change National League to Nationalism League.
* The Chicago Trumps will fight with anyone who looks like they don't belong in the game, including the opposing team's black players, because they might be ISIS.
* Trump Steaks On A Stick here! Get yer Trump Steaks On A Stick!
* All game film produced by Leni Riefenstahl's closest living relative.
* Aaron Carter replaces national anthem singer Wayne Messmer. Last line changed to "home of The Donald."
* Scott Baio replaces Jim Belushi as celebrity mascot.
* Mike Ditka still gets to sing the seventh-inning stretch. And it's "root, root, root for the Trumps, if they don't win you'll be sorry."
* That no-good hippie Joe Maddon is out. He was terrible, frankly. Terrible manager. Ugly glasses. We're gonna get a world-class manager. Let's bring Dusty Baker back, he sounds like my kind of guy. I've never met him, but I'm sure he's a good-looking guy, right?
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