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Theo's Plan Is Killing Us

This week in Cub Factor news:

* Theo Epstein Tells Doris Davis To Fuck Off And Die.

* Pete Ricketts Tries To Buy Nebraska Governorship After Failing To Buy Nebraska Senate Seat.

* Future Cubs Disappointments Still Far Away.

* Cody Ransom Assigned Term Paper On How He Is So Bad The Cubs Designated Him For This Assignment.

* Cubs Forced To Live Vicariously Through Alternate Calendar.

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The Week in Review: The Cubs lost two of three to both the Marlins and the Brewers, and also lost the interest of any remaining fans following this season.

Week in Preview: The Cubs go on the road for three with the Reds and four with the Pirates because Major League Baseball insists that the schedule be played out.

The Second Basemen Report: Who even cares anymore.

The Third Basemen Report: Smurphy!

Wishing Upon A Starlin: Who even cares anymore.

The Legend of Dioner Navarro: When the one player set to cash in on a career year is Dioner Navarro, you know you're in trouble.

Endorsement No-Brainer: Cubs fans for euthanasia.

Laughable Headline of the Week: Chicago Cubs Continue To Improve Little By Little.

Deserted Cubs: Tony Campana's OBP is .413 in 19 games with the Diamondbacks.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Mock Screens are trading up.

Sveum's Shadow: Dale Sveum's Five O'Clock Shadow zooms to 11:59 p.m. because he's just one minute shy of not giving a shit either. And just like his Uncle Lou, he realizes there comes a time when a man must decide whether to get fired on your feet or manage on your knees.

Shark Tank: The putative staff ace isn't battling enough.

Jumbotron Preview: Five-thousand-seven-hundred square-feet of overpriced wheat water.

Kubs Kalender: Wait 'til next year 2015 2016 2017.

Over/Under: Attendance at the last home game of the season on September 25: +/- 15,000 including PIrates fans.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that the gentrification of the Cubs is complete - and filled with irony.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano Starlin Castro, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

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