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The Warped Tour

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

"I said the other day, if we want to win 15 in a row, we'd definitely be open to it," Theo Epstein said of holding on to Jeff Samardzija and Jason Hammel.

If the Cubs won the next 15, they'd be 49-46. You'd be looking at one of those 83-win seasons Theo hates so much.

Of course, Theo knows this team isn't capable of winning 15 in a row. And it's not like an 83-win season thrills us. But it just goes to show how warped this whole thing is.

The Week In Review: The Cubs lost two of three to the Reds and split with the Nationals by losing both ends of a doubleheader on Saturday. They had a rare Sunday off due to worries that congestion from the Pride parade would be too much for the city to bear, as well as the fact that the Cubs don't deserve to play on a day devoted to pride.

The Week In Preview: The Cubs take their league-worst road record to Boston and Washington, D.C., this week. They will return still holding the league's worst road record.

Wrigley Is 100 Celebration: For 100 times over each of the next three days, the media will mention Theo Epstein's Red Sox as a model for the Cubs, no matter how inapt the analogy.

Theo Condescension Meter: 10.

"We've played a lot better lately in the big leagues. We had the best record in the National League for a month stretch there up until a couple of days ago."

Yes - when they were 11-7 in June's first 18 games. First, that's hardly a record to trumpet. Second, they finished month 14-17.

Jed Hoyer Condescension Meter: 10.

Tells James Russell to fuck off.

Prospects Are Suspects: Cubs Hope Hamstring Issues Are In The Past For Soler.

That's Ricky: "Renteria claimed he wasn't superstitious but said he declined to check on Arrieta's well-being after running the bases because he hadn't spoken to him during his perfect game bid."

Laughable Headline Of The Week: Theo Had 'No Choice' In Rebuild.

Mad Merch: The first 10,000 fans to the next game at Wrigley will get Brett Jackson bobbleheads the Cubs just found in their warehouse.

Billy Cub vs. Clark Cub: Clark has a parody account. Billy doesn't need one.

Advantage: Billy.

The Junior Lake Show: Let's just put more doors in the outfield. Sheesh.

Mustache Wisdom: "What I am going to tell you is the economics of the game are really, really strong right now. I want all of the players like Jeff to get the most money they can. The market dictates the value of a player. I commend Jeff for sticking to his plan and staying strong. He and his agent have a game plan. He sees things going on as far as contracts for players who are the same age he is and have the same stuff he has. Why would you not want best value for yourself at the prime of your career?"

Wishing Upon A Starlin: "We're playing a lot better than last year," Castro said.

On this day in 2013, the Cubs were 35-45. Today they are 34-46.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Sunday games off trade higher after a positive experience yesterday.

Shark Tank: Jeff Zambrano.

Jumbotron Preview: 5,700 square-feet of the visiting World Series champs, the Milwaukee Brewers.

Kubs Kalender: Wait 'til next year 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020.

Over/Under: Number of games Edwin Jackson wins the rest of the season: +/- 3.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Jake Arrieta will soon suffer a season-ending injury while Travis Wood will finish the season with an ERA over 5, leaving Edwin Jackson as the staff ace seeing as how Jeff Samardzija and Jason Hammel will be traded.

Hashtag Cubs All Manny, All The Time.


The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano Starlin Castro, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.


Comments welcome.

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