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The Sporting Life

Your [March 22 - March 28] leisure guide from the Beachwood Sports Desk.

THURSDAY: To Start a Riot/Liven Up the Tourney. Kansas vs. SIU. 6:10 p.m. CBS. If they wanted to make this game really interesting, they'd move it to St. Louis and invite fans from both schools to assemble under The Arch for free Anheuser-Busch products. Then, fence-in the park and sell tickets to the city folk.

FRIDAY: To Roast the Upper Crust/Wonder What a Commodore Is. Georgetown vs. Vanderbilt. 6:27 p.m. CBS. It's the 2007 Privileged Kid Classic! Take a look around the crowd and try to spot the countless Vandy and GTown faithful that have paid their way out of a DUI or Overdosed Hooker.

SATURDAY: To Pretend You're an Athlete/Break Your Finger on a Metal Disc. Wellington's Tavern Shuffleboard Tournament. 1300 W. Wellington. 2:00 p.m. Free. As if Shuffleboard wasn't a sorry excuse for a sport already, this table top version takes about as much energy as sneezing cocaine-filled blood clots out of your nose. But I guess it's more of a sport than your other Sunday night activity, taking gravity bongs out of a dirty garbage can and watching another Family Guy rerun.

SUNDAY: To Watch Skiles "Coach"/Patronize his Players. Bulls at Pacers. Conseco Fieldhouse. 2:30 p.m. WCKG 105.9. $10-$650. Head to the heart of the state that raised our racist head coach and watch as Scotty Skkkiles tries to disdainfully stare the cornrows out of Jermaine O'Neal's hair. If you're lucky, you may be able to see Skkkiles winking crosscourt at Pacer Caucasians Troy Murphy and Mike Dunleavy Jr.

MONDAY: To Never Dunk/Make Your Free Throws. Sports Monster Men's Intermediate Basketball Opening Night. Lincoln Park HS, 2001 N. Orchard. 6:30-10:30 p.m. $115/individual, $775/team. There's still time to sign up, so hurry up and find your black Nike socks and Chris Webber Michigan jersey.

TUESDAY: To Revisit Your Youth/Pull a Hammy. World Adult Kickball Association Deep Dish Division. Chase Field, 4701 N. Ashland. Play Starts May 1. 6:30- 9:30 p.m. Registration Now Open. $70. It's better than the thin crust division.

WEDNESDAY: To Witness the Polar Opposite of "Quality Hockey"/Support the Pulford Kid's Trust Fund. Blackhawks vs. Ducks. United Center. 7:30 p.m. $10-$250. Maybe, if you "quack" loud enough, we'll disrupt the Ducks enough to allow the Latvian Republic Blackhawks to avoid last place with a much-needed victory.

Michael Raspatello is the editor-in-chief of The Rival Room. He can quack like a duck, but he can't skate like one.

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