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Exclusive! Why Joe Girardi Rejected The Cubs

* Couldn't activate Ventra card.

* Phobic about Jumbotrons.

* Found out Old Style was being replaced.

* Shaken by Ryan Sweeney signing.

* The schools his kids would have gone to were closed.

* Starting third baseman Luis Valbuena.

* Even though he's really smart, he still can't spell Samardzija.

* Something about a pet goat.

* Ronnie Woo-Woo still has some voice left.

* Job required donation to Rahm's campaign fund.

* Heard Cubs were bringing Koyie Hill back.

* Cubs wouldn't spring for a separate airplane seat for his binder on road trips.

* Joe Ricketts insisted on pegging his salary to the gold standard.

* ESPN commercials with him in Yankee uniform already in the can.

* Got back on his meds and realized he almost made a terrible mistake.

- Marty Gangler, Steve Rhodes

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