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The New Cubs Way: A Fan's Manual

"Chicago Cubs baseball president Theo Epstein emphasized a new organizational philosophy as camp opened on Saturday, saying it will all be part of a manual called The Cubs Way," the Tribune reports.

"Everything from what foot you hit the bag with when you're making the turn to how we run bunt plays," Epstein said.

The Beachwood has learned, however, that Cubs fans will also be expected to abide by a new set of rules, including:

* All beers will be passed left to right.

* All money for beer will be passed right to left.

* "Go Cubs Go" will be sung in the key of E.

* No ketchup on the hot dogs.

* All scorekeeping to be done in pencil.

* All men using the troughs will give three good shakes and move on.

* All booing will be done in the key of C.

* Only the actual game ball shall be thrown back on the field.

* The 7th-inning stretch shall be sung in the key of D.

* Each game attendee will now be graded using a Cubs Fan Algorithm™. Ratings will be compiled in a secret book to be used against you at a later date.

* Only two looks at the scoreboard per inning allowed. Follow the game, dammit!

* Similarly, fans shall only ask "What's the score again?" no more than twice a game.

* Harry Caray impersonations prohibited.

* No toys in the crackerjack. Get over it.

* No more than two chants of left (or right) field sucks per game.

* Only one chant of "Theo! Theo! Theo!" per game encouraged.

* Fans only allowed to grouse once per preseason in the comfort of their own homes about ticket price increases.

* Dynamic pricing formula will remain a trade secret. It's none of your business.

* Yours is not to wonder why. In Theo you trust.

* Anthony Rizzo is going to be here a long time, so you better start loving him now.

* "Swing batter batter!" prohibited.

* No goats allowed in the ballpark. We provide our own on the field.

* No roofies, please.

* Wearing a Rod Beck jersey to the game is allowed, but leave your Jason Dubois jerseys at home.

* You are allowed to think sentiments such as "They should bunt here" or "They should put on the hit-and-run," but do not say them out loud. No one cares what you think.

* Learn how to properly pronounce "Sveum" or you will be escorted from the park.

* Please be courteous to those around you even if your day job is centered on screwing people out of their money and dignity.

* If a foul ball is coming your way and a Cubs player has a chance to catch it, get the freakin' hell out of the way or you risk becoming a worldwide punch line for the rest of your life.

Contributing: Marty Gangler, Jim Coffman, Steve Rhodes

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Comments welcome.

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