Sports

The Cubs Go Plutonium

By The Beachwood Ricketts Affairs Desk

The Cubs recently announced a new "platinum" level pricing tier to go along with its gold, silver and bronze tiers. The Beachwood has learned that the Cubs are also plutonium category to its pricing plan to capture even more dollars. The Plutonium Plan would consist of box seats behind the Cubs dugout for $1,000 a game plus the following perks:

* Get to play second base for one inning.

* Get to perform one double-switch per game.

* You can bring the farm animal of your choice to sit with you.

* Upon your death someone can sprinkle your ashes on the field.

* Your index finger will be photographed, blown up, and become the new official we're #1 foam finger template.

* Ronnie Woo-Woo has to Woo your name for as long as it's not annoying.

* Get to make one mound visit per game with Lou Piniella.

* Get to sit in the dugout one inning per game; $50 discount for sitting next to the water cooler.

* Will be added to the 40-man roster for your birthday.

* Get to throw out last ball.

* Get to sing Canadian anthem if the Blue Jays come here for interleague play.

* Free swine flu shots during the game.

* Carlos Zambrano will put in a good word for you with God.

* Your Bud Light will actually have drinkability.

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- Marty Gangler, Steve Rhodes

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Your suggestions welcome.

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