The Cubs Answer Man: First-Place Fears

Now that September has arrived and the Cubs and Sox both begin the final month of the season in first place, questions about the inevitable Cubs-Sox World Series have begun arriving in the e-mail box of our Cubs Answer Man, Rick Kaempfer.

Rick has kindly consented to answer a handful of your questions below. If you have any other questions, e-mail him at amishrick@yahoo.com, and he'll answer them in a future column.

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Q: I know everyone is worried about the upcoming Cubs-White Sox World Series and predicts it's a sign of the apocalypse, but they met once before and nothing terrible happened. Isn't that true?

A: Well . . . if you don't count the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius that destroyed Naples, or the earthquake that destroyed San Francisco, or the tsunami in Hong Kong that killed 10,000 people, or the 8.2 earthquake that killed 20,000 in Chile, or the birth of Bugsy Siegel, Adolph Eichman, and Leonid Breschnev, then yes you're absolutely correct - nothing terrible happened in 1906.

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Q: I'm married to a White Sox fan and I worry that if the Cubs meet the Sox in the World Series, our marriage may not survive. What tips can you offer to help us?

A: If the Cubs win, offer to go the store and don't come back for a month. It could save your marriage and your life.

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Q: Are there any plans in place to segregate the White Sox fans from the Cubs fans to avoid gang warfare during the Cubs-Sox series?

A: Not really. Other than keeping an extra security guard nearby the shirtless father-son first base coach sucker-punchers and the "steel-toed kick the Sox fan in the face at a 2-year-old's birthday party" guys, I picture lots of dancing, finger snapping, and poor old Officer Krupke doing his darndest to keep the peace.

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Q: You know how the Mayor of one team's city always bets the mayor of the opposing team's city during the World Series? Who will Mayor Daley bet if the Cubs play the Sox?

A: Himself. It will be just like a city election. No matter what happens, Daley wins.

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Q: Why doesn't Mayor Daley bet Governor Blagojevich? The mayor is a Sox fan and the governor is a Cubs fan. That could be fun.

A: Good idea. The loser spends the afternoon under oath with Patrick Fitzgerald.

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Q: What do you think the headline will be if the Sox win the series?

A: CUBS LOSE!

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Q: What do you think the headline will be if the Cubs win the series?

A: FROGS FALL FROM SKY!

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Previously
* The Cubs Answer Man: Parade Prep

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And From 2007:
* The Cubs Answer Men #1: Rule changes and parade seating.

* The Cubs Answer Men #2: Dress codes and left nuts.

* The Cubs Answer Men #3: Parking, beer and Lutherans.

* The Cubs Answer Men #4: God's will and the Tribune's bill.