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Theo Casualties Mount

"Stanley J. Sliwa, age 85, of Dunkirk, NY passed away peacefully Sunday (April 13, 2014) surrounded by his loving family," the Dunkirk Observer reports.

"He was born June 18, 1928 in Niles, Illinois, the son of the late Stanislaus and Stephania Sliwa. Growing up in the Chicago area, he was an avid Chicago Cubs fan who enjoyed watching his team. Mr. Sliwa was a retired bricklayer."

Theo Epstein's last words to Sliwa were "Be patient."

The Week In Review: The Cubs lost two of three to the Pirates and two of three to the Cardinals. They are nothing if not consistent.

The Week In Preview: The Cubs have two at Yankee Stadium so they won't even get their one win this series, then they come home for three against the Reds, where they will return to form.

Wrigley Is 100 Celebration: The Cubs will secretly pick a game in which Edwin Jackson actually makes 100 pitches.

Theo Condescension Meter: 9.6 out of 10. Up a tenth of a point in remembrance of Stanley Sliwa.

Prospects Are Suspects: "Top prospect Javy Baez's first month with Class AAA Iowa isn't getting any easier," the Sun-Times reports. "Less than a week after an ejection and altercation with a teammate, Baez went on the 7-day disabled list this weekend after turning his ankle Friday while taking fielding practice. The power-hitting shortstop, who opened the season on a 0-for-9 skid."

Jorge Soler is also on the DL.

That's Ricky: Unpredictable is one word for it.

That's Also Ricky: "Renteria stands by Jackson." Give him a day.

Laughable Headline Of The Week: Cubs Could Use Soriano's Swagger Heading Into Yankee Stadium.

Please. The Yankees don't even let him play in the field anymore.

Mad Merch: The first 10,000 fans to Friday's game get Joe Tinker bobbleheads. I'm willing to bet that 9,999 of them would rather have Joe Borowski bobbleheads.

Billy Cub vs. Clark Cub: Billy carries an Igloo cooler; Clark still a pantsless weirdo.

Advantage: Billy.

Onion Cubs; Child Shown Field Where Cubs Suck.

The Junior Lake Show: Already has the major league baseball record for following home runs with bunt attempts.

Mustache Wisdom: "Last year was last year," pitcher Carlos Villanueva said this weekend. "Different personnel . . . different guys."

Let's see: Castillo, Rizzo, Barney, Castro, Valbuena, Lake, Schierholtz, Wood, Samardzija, Villanueva, Jackson, Strop, Russell . . . I guess John Baker and Jose Veras are new, though.

Hashtag Cubs: Jose Veras edition.

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Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Coffee are down in Chicago this week because coffee is for closers and we don't have any of those here.

Shark Tank: Can't get out of town soon enough.

Jumbotron Preview: 5,700 square-feet of Jeff Samardzija returning to Wrigley Field as the Yankees' No. 4 starter.

Kubs Kalender: Wait 'til next year 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020.

Over/Under: Series Cubs win this year: +/- 6.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that patience is not a virtue.

Fantasy Fix: Carlos Villanueva finally good for something.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano Starlin Castro, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

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Comments welcome.

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