Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
There once was a manager named Maddon
Who benched Starlin Castro, who was saddened
But Starlin came back
at the keystone sack
And everyone was gladdened
There was also a prez named Theo
who probably likes Duran Duran's "Rio"
He put together a team
that played like a dream
But he's sure no Ronnie James Dio
And then there was the GM named Jed
who did whatever Theo said
He got Haren and Hunter
and nary a bunter
And Hammel shit the bed
There was a left fielder named Schwarber
whose parents wanted him to be a lawber
But he played catcher instead
Has rocks in his head
And is too young to know Pam Dawber
The Rookie of the Year is Bryant
For a third baseman, he's a giant
He might play left
If he gets too much heft
He's too young to remember Luis Tiant
Oh what to do with Starlin
Make him a Florida Marlin?
He once was benched,
His fists were clenched
But now he's everybody's darlin'
Do you remember Addison Russell?
It seems he pulled a muscle
He went on IR
Watched the games from a bar
Got carded and left in a tussle
The catcher was Miguel Montero
His pitch framing was narrow
He went bad at the end
The playoffs were not his friend
But at least he's not Michael Ferro
Then there was David Ross
One day he'll be the boss
But for now he just sucks
Dining on Jon Lester's bucks
And with him playing soft toss
There once was a man named Fowler
His first half was a howler
But he buckled down
And went to town
And now Dexter is a mauler
Surely you know Mr. Rizzo
Also known as the shizzo
He leads the young Cubs
Enjoys repeats of Scrubs
And all the girls want to Kizzo
There once was a field named Wrigley
The Ricketts' thought it was pigly
So they blocked the view
from me and you
And they're really horrible people
The Mets ended the season
It was just a tease on
All of us fools
who got taken to school
And Murphy was the reason
Week In Review: The Cubs lost Games 3 and 4 to the Mets in the NLCS, completing the sweep. The total final margin was 21-8, as the Ghosts of Cubs Past inhabited the current squad's bodies and made a car wreck of a clown show out of it.
The Week In Preview: The post-mortems among Cubs fans have already dissipated, but White Sox fans continue to act like they had a better season than the North Siders. And I guess any time the Cubs don't win the World Series is considered a winning season on the South Side.
The Second Basemen Report: Starlin Castro started the last two games at second, though he moved to short in each of them too. Castro now spends an unlikely offseason as trade bait with rebuilt value or the team's untouchable second baseman for at least the rest of the decade.
In former Cubs second basemen news, former Cubs second baseman Mark Bellhorn last played for the Cubs in 2003. He's No. 1 batting comp is Luis Valbuena. He is missed.
Mad(don) Scientist: Poppa Joe played the Rocky theme in the locker room after his team's Game 2 loss to the Mets. That strikes us as a rare misstep. Poppa Joe also brought the magician back during the Mets series. Geez, Joe, out of ideas?
Wishing Upon A Starlin: Mr. Castro might have rebuilt his value after a surprisingly strong showing at second base after losing the shortstop's job, but to our way of thinking he just might have lost the NLCS in Game 1 when he failed to run hard out of the box and wound up on second base with a double instead of on third with a gettable triple, and failing to score because of it. The series swung on that play, people.
Kubs Kalendar: The first 1,000 fans through the doors of the Cubs Convention in January will be paddled for being such a bunch of children that they actually attend the Cubs Convention.
Ameritrade Stock Pick Of The Week: Shares of Trendy Pick For World Series Champion 2016 and Sports Illustrated Baseball Preview Cover Boys are trading very high.
Over/Under: Consecutive days of the offseason that will pass without discussion of where Kyle Schwarber will/should play: +/-.5.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that if the Cubs don't win it all in 2016, The Plan didn't work.
Touch 'Em All: The Cub Factor archives.
-More from Beachwood Sports »
Former St. Louis Blues and Milwaukee Bucks exec joins Evil Empire.Continue reading "Sinclair's Cubs Network Names Complicit GM" »
Posted on May 22, 2019