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Slouching Toward History

Please, no more Kerry Wood.

I mean, haven't we appreciated him enough? In fact, I don't think there's a more overappreciated Cub in franchise history. And that includes Ron Santo.

At least if he acts as a roving minor league pitching instructor he wouldn't be hanging around Wrigley.

But wouldn't giving him that job just be a return to the Kubs Kulture that Theo is trying to break? I'm sure Wood has a few tidbits of advice to offer, but he never struck me - nor anyone else, as far as I know - as a student of the game.

And bringing Sammy Sosa back into the fold?

Only if he brings his corked bats and Flintstone vitamins with him. Maybe he's learned to speak English again since testifying before Congress.

Go away now, Kerry. You're beginning to look like Billy going back to the frat instead of moving on.

The Week in Review: The Cubs went 1-6 which puts their Magic Number for 100 losses at six. We're rooting for you Cubs! Theo was brought in to make history, so let's make it!

The Week in Preview: Three against the Rockies in Colorado and three against the Diamondbacks in Arizona. That's six right there!

The Second Basemen Report: Is Darwin Barney the best second basemen in the league? We find it hard to care anymore.

In former second basemen news, Jeff Baker is batting .111 for Atlanta, his third team this season. Too bad for the Braves, who must have thought they were getting the guy who hit .200 for Detroit. Who must have thought they were getting the guy who hit .269 with a .306 OBP for the Cubs.

The Not So Hot Corner: Dale Sveum declined to bench Luis Valbuena for "gazing at the stars" instead of paying attention to the game because accountability is just a word this franchise uses every spring before reverting to the norm.

The Weekly Bunting Report: This team doesn't bunt anymore because bunting is just a word this franchise uses in conjunction with tournament every spring before reverting to the norm.

Endorsement No-Brainer: The Cubs for the NFL's replacement refs because they know what it's like to out of one's league.

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of Caring are actually trading higher because so few people own any.

Sink or Sveum: 50% Analytical, 50% Emotional. Dale is just philosophical these days. On a scale of Bat Sh#t Crazy, (Charles Manson), Not All There, (random guy with a neck tattoo), Thinking Clearly (Jordi LaForge), and Non-Emotional Robot (Data), Dale is simultaneously Bat Sh#t Crazy and Thinking Clearly.

manson.jpgneck.jpg jordi.jpgdata.jpg

And just like your thought-to-be level-headed uncle, Dale knows when he's been set up for failure but that's just Aunt Maggie's way. Plus, he married an ugly woman and you know what happens then.

Over/Under: Cubs losses in the final nine games: +/- 6.

Don't Hassle LaHoffpauir: Bryan LaHair was an All-Star. Now he's a hassle. Next year he'll be a Ham Fighter.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that even in Theo's big picture this season has been a colossal failure.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

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Posted on Jul 17, 2017

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