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Home Opener Limericks

When we last left you, it was with limericks.

Let's start the season the same way:

There once was a fielder named Schwarber
his parents wanted him to be a lawber
But he played ball instead
Rocks in his head
And then he ran into Dexter Fowler and ruined the season.

There once was a goat who cursed
He said really bad things and worse
He was just misunderstood
Meant to do good
But now Kyle Schwarber needs a nurse

Welcome to town, John Lackey!
Your first start sure was hacky!
We know you like Lester
and don't mean to pester
But this ain't no hacky sacky

Welcome back Jason Hammel
On our dreams you sure did trammel
You're good 'til July
and then just a guy
who can't pitch as well as a camel

There once was Tommy La Stella
He sure seemed like a damn nice fella
But once he's exposed
He'll wilt like a rose
and the Cubs will be low sellas

There once was Jorge Soler
Between his ears was all air
He filled in for Kyle
Was easy to rile
and finished the season an Oriole

There once was a writer named Marty
He sure liked to party real hearty
But his shoulder he tweaked
He'll be out for a week
And he'll come back extra farty

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Week In Review: The Cubs went 5-1 on the road before coming home today for the opener at Wrigley, taking two from the Angels and three of four from the D-backs. They are on a pace to clinch a World Series berth by Friday.

The Week In Preview: The Reds and Rockies come in for three games each to open the Cubs' home season, and that means there's a good chance they could be 11-1 when they head to St. Louis next week.

The Second Basemen Report: Starlin Castro is "scorching hot" far in New York and Darwin Barney is actually holding it down in Toronto. But Ben Zobrist's opening week .483 OBP ain't bad either.

In former second baseman news, Tommy La Stella is playing third and left field. He is missed.

Mad(don) Scientist: Seems like ol' Joe has lost his touch!

Maddon's Next Gimmick: To make Kyle Schwarber feel at home, all players will show up to the ballpark today in doctors' scrubs. Tension broke!

Kubs Kalendar: To honor Jackie Robinson Day on Friday, the Ricketts family will donate 42 cents to Ted Cruz's campaign for every 42 fans in attendance.

Wrigley Renovation: The hotel replacing the McDonald's on Addison and Clark will feature a heritage Big Mac for $19.67, commemmorating the year it was invented.

Over/Under: This was the last entry of last season:

Consecutive days of the offseason that will pass without discussion of where Kyle Schwarber will/should play: +/-.5.

So, same.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: The last entry last season was this:

A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that if the Cubs don't win it all in 2016, The Plan didn't work.

So, same.

Touch 'Em All: The Cub Factor archives.

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Comments welcome.

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