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Kris Bryant says he has never had an alcoholic drink in his life. He's 24.
That's not right.
Is he immune to advertising? A cold beer with your buds!
Immune to movies? A martini shaken, not stirred!
Immune to music? He must not have friends in low places. He never slips on down to the oasis?
I'm reminded of something I wrote last fall, which started like this:
It's really not true that the Cubs are no longer cute or lovable. In fact, they're a little too cute for my taste. Their home runs leave rainbow chemtrails, and unicorn horns burst from their foreheads when they gallop the basepaths. Some of them are barely old enough to legally drink the celebratory Champagne in the clubhouse; others are old enough but too angelic, as if they don't want to displease their parents, who will be mad enough that their clothes are doused in alcohol, much less their bloodstream. I really wouldn't want to party with these guys because it'd be all Katy Perry and birthday cake. It kind of makes me want to vomit.
Is a little grit too much to ask for? You're the Cubs, not a Cub Scout troop. Be men!
Week in Review: Bryant hit a home run off Chris Sale in the All-Star Game on Tuesday night, while Jake Arrieta punked out of the proceedings. Then the Cubs took two of three from the AL-leading Texas Rangers, improving their record for July to 4-9.
Week in Preview: The Mets come in to frustrate the Cubs for three and then the boys in blue hit the road for three in Milwaukee. With the Crosstown Classic following the Brewers' series, and the Mariners and Marlins coming to town after that, the Cubs will have the luxury of going almost a month without having to get on a plane.
Musical Outfielders: And no we aren't talking about Matt Szczur playing the French horn. Second baseman Ben Zobrist and catcher Willson Contreras each got starts in LF during the Rangers series. Third baseman Kris Bryant got a start in RF and moved to LF later in the same game. Right fielder Jason Heyward got two starts in RF and one start in CF, and then moved to RF later in the same game. Centerfielder Albert Almora Jr., not to be confused with Albert Almora Sr., got two starts in CF. Reserve outfielder Matt Szczur got one start in LF and pinch hit in the other two games.
Former Annoying Cub of the Week: Ryan Dumpster Fire, who once reportedly vetoed a trade because his Twitter hurt his feelings, successfully bid last week for the job of replacing Jim Belushi as the team's most annoying celebrity mascot, with a soul-crushing Friday spent at the ballpark parading around as Harry Caray. To wit:
I haven't been this bothered by a Ryan Dempster performance since Game 1 of the 2008 NLDS.— Luis M. (@lcm1986) July 15, 2016
The real Harry Caray should come straight up from hell and punch Ryan Dempster in the nuts.— Torque Penderloin (@AndrewCieslak) July 15, 2016
I'd rather listen to Joe Carter do play-by-play than another second of Ryan Dempster's Harry Caray "impression."— Chris Patton (@chrispatton_33) July 15, 2016
.@Boers_Bernstein on now. We have to do something about whatever this Ryan Dempster thing is trying to be.— Dan Bernstein (@dan_bernstein) July 15, 2016
Current Annoying Cub of the Week: On doctor's orders, Jason Hammel is eating potato chips during games to keep his potassium up so he doesn't suck fall off a cliff like he always does in the second half of the season. Reporters failed to ask if he preferred ridges.
Mad(don) Scientist: You know, "Try Not To Suck" isn't actually a very clever witticism. In fact, none of them are.
Kubs Kalender: On Tuesday, the first 10,000 fans to the ballpark will get free Cubs pajama bottoms courtesy of American Airlines, which in no way makes up for the complete infeasibility of falling asleep on their flights due to seating more uncomfortable than Ryan Dempster's Harry Caray impersonation. Perfect for theme trips, though!
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Ryan Dempster is a very lonely man.
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