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All-Star Breakage

While Starlin Castro and Anthony Rizzo are at the All-Star Game in Minneapolis, the rest of the Cubs will be back home taking care of business. Here's what they'll be up to.

Welington Castillo: Shopping for another "l."

John Baker: Who?

Darwin Barney: Selling his soul at the Crossroads.

Mike Olt: Reminiscing about how he used to be Javy Baez.

Junior Lake: Seeking advice from Senior Lake.

Travis Wood: Slashing prices on his "We Got Wood" t-shirts.

Edwin Jackson: Relaxing.

Carlos Villanueva: Chillin' in Logan Square.

Ricky Renteria: Just going nice things, by golly.

Jed Hoyer: Whatever Theo wants him to do.

Theo Epstein: Demanding more hush money from Ricketts.

Tom Ricketts: Whatever Crane Kenney tells him to do.

Crane Kenney: Screwing up a three-car funeral while driving a clown car.

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The Week In Review: The Cubs lost four of five to the Reds and two of three to the Braves as they cruise to another no-brainer top-five draft pick.

The Week In Preview: The Cubs resume play with a three-game weekend set in Arizona, which should be a real shitshow 'cause they're vying for the same draft pick.

Wrigley Is 100 Celebration: The Cubs will keep their payroll under $100 million for another 100 years.

Theo Condescension Meter: 10.

Now being compared to our second president by his fanboys.

Jed Hoyer Condescension Meter: 10.

Calls Arismendy Alcantara "underappreciated" as a prospect. Maybe that's because he and Theo never told the media to appreciate him.

Prospects Are Suspects: Addison Russell is 5-for-24 with seven strikeouts in his first six games for Tennessee.

That's Ricky: "I am happy how we have continued to play the games. We have been in almost every game this season."

LOL.

Laughable Headline Of The Week: Cubs Announce Top Of Second-Half Rotation.

Same as the bottom!

Mad Merch: The Cubs will give a crystal ball to every fan who attends a home game the rest of the season so they can imagine a future better than the past and present. Then again, who needs a crystal ball for that? Also, won't that clash with Kool-Aid Night?

Billy Cub vs. Clark Cub: Clark is part of the Machine.

Advantage: Billy.

The Junior Lake Show: Soon to flourish as a Mariner.

Mustache Wisdom: ''You can't be serious all the time; it'll mess with your mind."

Wishing Upon A Starlin: "That might have been a bigger inning if Starlin Castro hadn't made an ill-considered dash to the plate on a ball that didn't get far away from Laird, who threw him out at the plate. Renteria asked for a review, and it came back 'call confirmed.' Right after that, John Baker hit a two-run double which likely would have been a three-run double and only one man would have been out in the inning instead of two."

Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: A strong sell on Addison Russell as his value has already peaked.

Jumbotron Preview: 5,700 square-feet of the 2020 MLB Draft, brought to Chicago by Rahm Emanuel and featuring Theo Epstein picking first for the third year in a row.

Kubs Kalender: Wait 'til next year 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 2021.

Over/Under: Amount of increase in Wrigley beer prices next year: +/- $1.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that selling the future can be more profitable than servicing the present.

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Hashtag Cubs Haystack of needles.

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The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano Starlin Castro, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Know the enemy.

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Comments welcome.

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