Sports

The Cub Factor

By Marty Gangler

This week good ol' Uncle Lou was asked what he wanted for next season. He said a big RBI guy for the middle of the lineup. Seeing how Uncle Lou wanted the same thing last year and we got Milton Bradley, we here at The Cub Factor were thinking Lou should ask for something different this time around. Like:

* World peace.

* A new diet.

* True transparency in the Obama administration.

* A second baseman who can play 150 games without being exposed as a fraud.

* A fixed-rate mortgage.

* A rollover for his IRA.

* A left fielder, center fielder and right fielder.

* A way to make Saturday Night Live funny again.

* A new diet for Geovany Soto.

* A heart transplant, because he lost his this year.

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Week In Review: Proof that the Cubs would be in the playoffs if they let Fuld, Fox, Hoffpauir and Johnson handle right and left field this season: The Cubs took two of three from the Brewers and three of four from the Giants with Soriano and Bradley done for the year and a loose clubhouse getting results on the field. Who knew? Everyone except Jim Hendry.

Week in Preview: The Cubs come home to finish the season with four against the Pirates (one is a make-up game) and three against the Diamondbacks. I think they should play the make-up game in make-up. It might be the only reason to watch it.

The Second Basemen Report: The Amazing Jeff Baker got five starts last week and the once-Mighty now-Mini Mike Fontenot got two. Chances are neither will be the starter next year, nor will Bobby Scales. Just wait for Jim Hendry to draw it up.

In former second basemen news, Mark DeRosa's production was down this season due to a wrist that will be operated on during the off-season, but he's still belting out the long ball and going to the playoffs with Cardinals. We don't really care about Ronny Cedeno anymore. Next year, Jeff Baker will show up in this part of the Report.

The Zam Bomb: We can only hope this feature appears in The White Sox Report next year instead of here. Big Z remains Furious, but no more Furious than we are with him.

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Lost in Translation: "Lucky ducky-san" is Japanese for "Kosuke Fukudome is fortunate that the misdeeds and mediocre performances of Soriano and Bradley have overshadowed how overpaid this guy is too.

Endorsement No-Brainer: The Cubs for Chicago 2016: Overpromise, overspend, oversuck.

Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Sorry: SpongeBob SquarePants Edition. Because he's apparently sorry for the things he's done, he's pretty stupid, he can't hit and he can't catch.

Sweet and Sour Lou: 60% sweet, 40% sour. Lou stands pat this week as the checks keep coming in and the season's been over for awhile. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou's not trying so hard to get a job these days as they just extended unemployment benefits and hunting season is about to start. Besides, it's hard to try.

Don't Hassle the Hoff: The season's been a hassle without a defined role so stop it, and we mean both the undefined role thing and the season.

Over/Under: Amount of naps Lou takes during each game this week: +/- 1.5.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that next year won't be a picnic either.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.

The Mount Lou Alert System: Fall on Mount Lou this year is a splendid time. The leaves are beginning to change and the wildlife frolics on its once tumultuous molten surface.

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