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The Cub Factor

By Marty Gangler

As soon as you think this 2009 Cub team is going to turn it around they do something like, well, something like be themselves again. Even with the return of "leading man" Aramis Ramirez, the Cubs did little this week besides be themselves. And even though I rip the crap out of them most times, I'd really like them to win more and be, well, not themselves. With this in mind we here at the Cub Factor would like to throw out a few ideas based on some classic (and not so classic) baseball movies, you know, because in movies people aren't themselves, they act like other people. And there's some advice in these classics that could certainly help the Cubs.

* Major League: Ask Jobu for ability to hit. Julio Zuleta will do, too.

* Hustle: The Pete Rose Story: Put some skin in the game.

* The Natural: Start storm-chasing looking for trees hit by lightning. Dusty and Rabbit can help.

* Ed: The next second baseman is . . . a chimp. Or Sean Marshall.

* Rookie of the Year: Special screening for Geo Soto - with fat-free popcorn.

* Eight Men Out: Cheat.

* Major League II: Ask Jobu again/re-acquire Zuleta.

* The Kid from Left Field: Make the kid cop the manager. What's the worst he could do, put Sean Marshall in left field?

* Bull Durham: Go with the candlesticks, they always make a nice gift.

* Angels in the Outfield: Acquire Torii Hunter and Vlad Guerrero.

* The Man from Left Field: And the new Cub manager is . . . Walter Jacobson.

* Major League III: Back to the Minors: Swap rosters with the I-Cubs. We're halfway there already.

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Week in Review: The Cubs went 3-4 for the week, losing two of three to Atlanta and splitting a 4-game series with the Cardinals. The Cubs take a perfect .500 record into the All-Star break. If this keeps up, the Cubs will have as many losses as they have wins. And that's pretty bad.

Week in Preview: Ted Lilly gets to pitch in the All-Star Game because the rules of Major League Naseball require every team to have at least one All-Star, sort of how Alaska gets to vote in presidential elections. The rule was enacted so sucky small-market teams like the Kansas City Royals could be represented, but it's nice to see the rule also applies to sucky high-payroll teams too.

The Second Baseman Report: The Cub Factor would like to officially welcome Jeff Baker to the report. Baker is the sixth Cub to get a start at second this year. And he wasn't just having a cup of coffee at the keystone sack either; he started four games there this week, proving once again that this report will never become obsolete as long as Jim Hendry is the GM. Just like he drew it up.

In former second basemen news, just when Mark DeRosa goes on the DL, Ronny Cedeno pulls through by nabbing a starting job again. Both are missed.

The Zam Bomb: Big Z is no all-star and that makes him furious. So he is furious.
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Lost in Translation: Supero wastingy clocky-io is Japanese for the Home Run Derby.

Endorsement No-Brainer: Milton Bradley for Sham-Wow because wow, is this guy a sham.

Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Trivial Pursuit. Because trying to milk a walk in every at-bat is a trivial pursuit for a supposed run producer batting in the middle of the lineup.

Sweet and Sour Lou: 50% sweet, 50% sour. Lou is down three points this week on the Sweet-O-Meter due to things out of his control. And just like your crazy drunk uncle, Lou can teach you how to bait a hook, tie a knot, and cast a rod, but you have to want to fish. So fish, or don't, he can't do it for you.

Don't Hassle the Hoff: There's another dude named Hoffpauir on the Cardinals but stop asking if they are related because they aren't and that's a hassle.

Over/Under: The number of additional Cubs who will get a start at second base in the second-half of the season: +/- 2.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that playing .500 ball isn't going to win the division.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.

Fantasy Fix: Man-Ram and trade deadlines.

Mount Lou: Mount Lou stays at Green despite some weather patterns this week that could have disturbed its surface. The angry magma will stay dormant as the cool streams of the Falstaff Mountains will flow through the canyons of Mount Lou this week. Next week is a different matter.

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Posted on Nov 26, 2021