The Cub Factor

By Marty Gangler

If nothing else this week, the Cubs proved that there is nothing to worry about. Despite all the nagging injuries, DL stints, tantrums, and bullpen meltdowns the Cubs sit only 1.5 games back of the Brewers for the division lead. For those of you keeping score at home, 1.5 games is like nothing right now. And technically the Cubs would win the wild card if the season ended today. But the season doesn't end today. So there's still plenty of time for the Cubs to blow it. To this point we here at The Cub Factor wanted to think about what could possibly go wrong for the Cubs to actually be in real trouble.

* Bud Selig decides to "spice up" division races by randomly switching managers of teams and the Cubs get stuck with Dusty Baker.

* During a pivotal series against the Cardinals, Tony LaRussa demands that Mike Fontenot and Aaron Miles be measured to see if they meet the league minimum height requirement. They are both deemed too small and the Cubs in violation lose every game they played in.

* Ryan Dempster accidentally makes Ryan Theriot disappear during a magic trick gone awry.

* Lou Piniella is suspended for charging Neal Cotts on the mound and Alan Trammel becomes manager.

* Ted Lilly goes over to Koyie Hill's for some woodworking and . . . disaster ensues.

* Derrek Lee stays healthy.

* An MRI reveals that Aramis Ramirez actually does have rocks in his head.

* The Cubs are banned from the playoffs when a private investigator finds the real Kosuke Fukudome back home in Chunichi working for FedEx; the imposter is determined to be Jim Edmonds.

* Cubs suffer a run of broken fingers as Sam Zell puts all gloves on eBay to make debt payments.

* Bobby Scales is determined to be some sort of man-lizard from another planet and not allowed to play.

* Carlos Zambrano is also determined to be a man-lizard.

* Players like Alfonso Soriano and Milton Bradley employ a me-first mentality that infiltrates the team, making it impossible to win big games. Wait . . .

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Week in Review: The Cubs went 4-1, sweeping a horrible Padre team and splitting two games with the Astros. The game on Friday was rained out. It would be really nice to play the Padres every week.

Week in Preview: The Cubs travel to St Louis for three against the Cardinals and then out to San Diego for three against the Padres. It is going to be nice to play the Padres again this week.

The Second Basemen Report: Three starting second basemen over five games last week. Fontenot, the real starting second baseman, got one start though he's been playing third with Ramirez out. Miles and Scales got two starts each. We here at The Cub Factor don't think the season really begins until there are four starting second basemen in a week. You know, just like Jim Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, Mark DeRosa has his average up to .245 for the Indians and Ronnie Cedeno has his down to .139 for the Mariners. They are both missed.

The Zam Bomb Coming back to the team this week makes Big Z angry. He should be back to Furious soon after that.

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Endorsement No-Brainer: Kevin Gregg for Kleenex. Because he blows.

Lost In Translation: Bobbyo-san Scalesio is Japanese for you have to root for this guy.

Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Crocodile Dentist. Because he's not said anything for a while and he's about to open his mouth - which I think is kind of the opposite of this game - but it's still the game of the week.

Sweet and Sour Lou: 55% Sweet, 45% Sour. Lou stays right where he is this week on the Sweet-O-Meter because despite winning there are some serious bullpen issues. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou knows he needs to take care of the lawn. He can see the crabgrass just as well as you can. He's not happy about it but it's a long summer and he's hoping that he can get his hands on the right mix of grass seed and fertilizer to get it taken care of. He might have to buy some new sod.

Don't Hassle The Hoff: Only two starts this week for Micah. And in my book, that's a hassle. So stop it.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that the Cubs look like a playoff team when they play the Padres.

Over/Under: The game when Milton Bradley's average will be higher than his listed weight of 225: +/- Game #58.

The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch 'em all!

Mount Lou: The surface of Mount Lou is still intact despite hot inner bullpen anger churning very close to the surface. So don't be fooled, there's a lot going on down there. He stays at orange.

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