Sports

The Cub Factor

By Marty Gangler

The Cubs may have exploded for nine runs on Sunday to salvage a split with Marlins, but the tendency of the offense to disappear for stretches is still a concern. We here at The Cub Factor have input all available data into the computers at Beachwood Labs and come up with the following slump-busting solutions.

* Dip into Sammy Sosa's secret cache of corked bats still hidden in the Wrigley ventilation system.

* Call the White Sox and ask to borrow their blow-up doll.

* Get some chicken for jobu.

* Bring back Michael Barrett and let everyone take out their frustrations on him.

* Bless the bats and the children.

* Casually ask Fukudome how to say "steroids" in Japanese.

* "I'll have what Fontenot's having."

* Stop taking batting practice at Sluggers.

* Tell Derrek Lee to regain his focus and stop spending so much time updating his Facebook page.

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Week in Review: The Cubs didn't look good losing two of three to the D-Backs on the road and splitting a four-game series with the Fish at home.

Week in Preview: Four games at Wrigley North against the Brew Crew. And then I think they play a few more games after that. It's hard to focus beyond these four.

The Second Basemen Report: Seven games last week and three second baseman. Mighty Mini Fontenot got three starts while Mark DeRosa and Ronnie Cedeno got two starts each. DeRosa also played every other position not just for the Cubs but for opposing teams. He actually never left the field. Just like Hendry drew it up.

In former second basemen news, Mark Grudzielanek owns Kenny Rogers, is having another unheralded quality season, got his 2,000 hit, wants to play another two or three years and is missed in St. Louis. He is missed.

The Zam Bomb: Big Z is apologetic this week as he actually won his start this week and the Cubs only committed one error behind him. But he is still an angry young man.

Lost in Translation: Jeff Samardzija-san is Japanese for Kerry Wood.

Sweet and Sour Lou: 60% sweet, 40% Sour. Lou is down another five points on the Sweet-O-Meter this week due to concerns about the offense and the lame way he was ejected from a game defending first-base coach Matt Sinatro. And like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou doesn't mind making a scene for you because your history teacher gave you a bad grade, but it's up to you to do something about it.

Center Stage: A gimpy old knee limited Joltin' Jimmy Edmonds to three starts, while Reed Johnson got three and Kosuke Fukudome moved over from right for one. Johnson's spectacular defense was like a dart aimed at Alfonso Soriano.

The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.

Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Bernie Brewer rules.

Over/Under: Number Cub fans who go up to Miller Park this week and say, Tthis ballpark is pretty sweet": +/- 22,000.

Mount Lou: Mount Lou is sitting on red. Lou is spitting magma right now and all villagers heading north this week should take cover. Or at least cover your beer with some sort of lava proof cap.

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