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The College Football Report: Reversals of Genetically Modified Fortune

In case you missed anything this week, and by "anything" we mean "pretty much every headline in college football because you don't follow the sport apart from sporadically reading this column," the College Football Reporter, the Free Range Chicken and the Beachwood Sports Seal have you covered. In return, the least you can do is send us some genetically engineered chicken feed or a bottle of Ol' Grand-Dad.

Or how about some OGD produced from gossypol-enhanced chicken feed? Pro: gossypol prevents breast cancer. Cons: toxic, tastes like old sweaters. Bonus: would still get you drunk!

Here we go:

* Hot piece of brass: The College Football Hall of Fame sustained $100,000 of water damage due to flooding on Tuesday night.

The culprit? A missing brass sprinkler fitting. Thieves made off with the widget, reportedly worth about $5 on the scrap metal market, causing a backup and releasing several inches of water in the Hall's basement. The basement contains, or contained, the HOF museum of college memorabilia and collectibles. (Maybe not the place to store valuable trinkets, as anyone in the Chicagoland area learned earlier this year.)

Also hot this season: copper.

Tags: WTF, robbin', sump pumps

* Hammering the ballbag: Former Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden disclosed his history of prostate cancer to the Associated Press on Tuesday. In the call, Bowden shared his experience following his diagnosis in 2007. Addressing his silence at the time and over the following four years, Bowden (now retired) divulged his fear that, should the news of his condition surface, opposing schools would use his cancer as a weapon in recruiting battles.

Bowden, who has since undergone successful treatment for the disease, opened up to lend his support to Prostate Cancer Awareness Month Awareness Month, stating "we're really putting the hammer down this week." A few notes: a) we didn't know PCAM existed, b) "prostate" and "hammer" should not be used in the same sentence and c) what sort of scumbag would use an opposing coach's cancer as leverage? What would you say in that situation? "You should come play for us, not some old man with a cancer-riddled ballsack."

Despite Bowden's silence, FSU still missed some top-drawer recruits late in his career, such as the highly coveted Will Hill. The New Jersey high school phenom, and world-class tweeter, elected to sign with the Florida Gators in September 2007. Hill, a senior at the time, had led St. Peter's Prep (NJ) to two consecutive state championships and was rated as high as #2 in the '08 class. No doubt Bowden and the Seminoles took comfort when, years later in 2010, Hill's (public) Twitter feed made headlines. His Twitter profile picture says everything you need to know. A few highlights: "Chick tryin to swallow my kids for fathers day," "How the fuck a baby fracture its arm" and "Takin a shit in the airport."

Hill left the university in January 2011 to declare for the NFL draft. He was not selected.

Sadly, the end for Bowden at Florida State did not reflect his long history of success. The NCAA forced FSU to vacate twelve games in 2006-07 due to the use of ineligible players, and after two more ho-hum seasons (16-10 overall), FSU forced out the legendary coach. Bowden finished his career second only to Joe Paterno in all-time wins (377). JoePa, a Sports Seal favorite, has racked up 402 Ws . . . and counting.

[Note: Prostate cancer is no joke. The National Cancer Institute estimates that 240,000 men are diagnosed every year and more than 33,000 die from the disease. We should all be so lucky as Bowden, who is still going strong at the age of 82.]

Tags: Twitter, FSU, Bobby Bowden, #2, NFL draft prospects

* Straighten up, fly right: Auburn's mascot, a bald eagle named Spirit, smashed into a luxury box in Jordan-Hare stadium last Saturday. The raptor careened into the window during a ritual pregame flight and fluttered to land at the handler on the field, apparently shaken but unharmed. The College Football Report Animal Welfare Committee has issued a memorandum demanding that Auburn officials fit Spirit (aged 14) for corrective lenses. And maybe a helmet.

Tags: what's our vector, rumors lies and innuendo

* Bizzaro Vegas: After all the tumult on the first Saturday of the season, we didn't expect more chaos in Week Two. Torrential downpours caused long delays in Week One and ultimately forced an early end to two games: Western Michigan-Michigan and Marshall-West Virginia. Mother Nature served notice to college bettors (ahem) about two long-standing rules in Vegas: 1) action on the point spread requires at least 55 minutes of play and 2) wagers on the over-under are invalid if the game ends before regulation.

Last week, all hell broke loose again. Trailing Washington 38-26, Hawaii scored a touchdown with 1:39 remaining in the fourth quarter. Setting up for the extra kick, the scoreboard read Huskies 38, Warriors 32. Many outside Seattle and Honolulu took note as the PAT would cut the margin to five points - or a "push" - as many sportsbooks had installed the Huskies as a five-point favorite. Seconds later, Washington blocked the extra point and UW special teamer Desmond Trufant returned it for a two-point conversion. Final score: Washington 40, Hawaii 32.

No stranger to big plays, Trufant saved the game a week earlier by intercepting Eastern Washington QB Bo Levi Mitchell to preserve a 30-27 UW win. Remember: do not bet against Trufant (and Washington) this year.

Tags: Mother Nature, sports books, cats and dogs

* Double Bizzarro: If the end of UH-UW wasn't wild enough, the conclusion of Utah-Southern Cal took things to a new level of weirdness. With time expiring, Utah attempted a 41-yard field goal to tie the game and force overtime. The Trojans blocked the try by Utah PK Coleman Petersen and returned the live ball for a touchdown, putting the score at 23-14 - enough to cover the Vegas line of 8.5 points.

The referees disallowed the touchdown, however, after flagging USC for unsportsmanlike conduct as players streamed onto the turf in celebration. Later in the evening, the Pac-12 ruled that the penalty should not nullify the touchdown and instead be imposed on the kickoff.

Here's the kicker, so to speak: bettors holding slips with Utah +8.5 cashed in immediately after the game when the ruling placed the final score at 17-14. But two hours later, those who took the USC side (and had not yet tossed their slips) could also cash in when Pac-12 officials reversed the call, resulting in a USC cover.

Tags: double-dipping, WTF, sportsbooks

* Also recovering: An alert bystander saved the life of a Notre Dame fan on Saturday night in the Big House. Leo Staudacher suffered a heart attack and collapsed in the second quarter of Notre Dame-Michigan. A fellow fan performed CPR until the medics arrived with an automated electric defibrillator and then rushed Staudacher to the hospital.

Doctors managed to stabilize the 69-year old in time for him to watch the Wolverines stun the Irish with a last-second play to win the game. CFR could not confirm rumors of Staudacher's quote in reaction to the loss: "Send me back."

Tags: Touchdown Jesus, divine intervention

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Now that we are all caught up on the happenings of the past week, let's move on to the action (if you will) for Week Three. We welcome back the Sports Seal for his entertainment-purposes-only picks this weekend

Saturday, September 17

Akron @ Cincinnati (-34), 2:30PM Central
Louisville @ Kentucky (Under 41), 6:00PM Central
Ohio State @ (Other 25 #29) Miami, Florida (-2.5), 6:30PM Central

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And this week, we are running the inaugural picks by The College Football Report Free Range Chicken. Don't ask us how he does it folks, but if you could please include a Family Size box of Corn Flakes in your care package it would be much appreciated.

Saturday, September 17

Ole Miss (-2.5) @ Vanderbilt, 11:20AM Central; Vanderbilt by 34
Michigan State @ Notre Dame (-5), 2:30PM Central; Notre Dame by 7
Gardner Webb @ Wake Forest (-35), 5:30PM Central; Gardner Webb by 11

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Mike Luce brings you the world's greatest college football report (nearly) every Tuesday and Friday. He welcomes your comments.


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