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The College Football Report: Fail Whales And Felonies

As we enter the heart of the 2012 college football season, you may need to catch up on some of this season's hot topics and brace yourself for a Gilgameshian weekend. You heard us, Gilgameshian.

* Fear the tweet: Former Razorback linebacker Bret Harris was arrested on Tuesday by the University of Arkansas police after allegedly tweeting that he was going to kill Arkansas athletic trainer Matt Summers.

The death threat came amidst a rash of other messages posted by Harris on Tuesday, who tweets under the handle @Trippymane07 and inexplicably goes by the profile name "Sosa."

The stream of tweets included this moving communiqué: "Lol I don't want a Twitter. I didn't have a Twitter. My heart. Tearz told me make a Twitter".

Tags: fail whale, felonies

* Vote early, vote often: Ten North Dakota State University football players pled guilty on Tuesday to misdemeanor election fraud for faking signatures on petitions they were hired (also not cool, but a different story) to collect.

The petition drives involved two measures now barred from the November election, including a ballot on legalizing medical marijuana. The Secretary of State's office was allegedly alerted to the scheme when officials noticed suspicious names on the petition, such as "R.U. Stoned," "Puffpuff Give," "Ty Stick," and "Whee B. Token."

Judge Douglas Herman sentenced the players to community service, opting not to enforce a harsher punishment for voter fraud because he believed the players were not "smart enough or grown up enough or sophisticated enough to understand" the process.

Asked to comment off the record, a Bisons player stated: "Dude."

Tags: bong hits, cotton mouth, pizza ordering

* Clarified: For those of you thinking Bisons (of the four-legged variety) were simply classified as "mammals," think again. The Bison genus is actually an example of an "even-toed ungulate" such as the pig, camel, giraffe and antelope but, take note, not the whale.

And yes, there are such things as "odd-toed ungulates," like tapirs, rhinos and the African wild ass. Carry on.

Tags: taxonomy not taxidermy, more whale references

* Ménage a moto: Earlier this season, University of Missouri police arrested backup quarterback Maty Mauk on charges of resisting arrest by fleeing, failure to stop for a traffic control device, leaving the scene of an accident and careless and imprudent driving. (As if careless wasn't bad enough, he was also imprudent.) All four charges relate to a traffic incident in Columbia, Missouri, in August. Shortly after midnight on Thursday, August 30, MUPD spotted "a man driving a scooter with two female passengers who were not wearing helmets."

Everybody got it so far? The backup quarterback was buzzing about town with two coeds. On a school night. On his scooter. Scooter, two chicks, no helmets. Check.

According to the the Kansas City Star, officers spotted Mauk, who then sailed through a stop sign, skirted the police, and scooted (so to speak) between two residence halls. The abandoned scooter was later discovered, "located between two cars with scratches."

The AP version, however, states that the QB "made contact with two vehicles on his scooter with two female passengers onboard just after midnight" and that Mauk "then refused to pull over and ran a stop sign."

Either way, one thing is clear: a teenager evaded the MUPD on a scooter with two coeds aboard. To be fair, we don't know how the police tried to apprehend Mauk. The officers may have been on roller skates, for example.

Tags: rootin' tootin', scootin'

* Epic deemed inadequate: Hyperbole has failed us. This weekend features five games between Top 25 teams.

The matchups are, in chronological order, #4 LSU at #10 Florida, #5 Georgia at #6 South Carolina, #8 West Virginia at #11 Texas, #21 Nebraska at #12 Ohio State, and #23 Washington at #2 Oregon.

Words like "epic," "titanic," "massive," "blockbuster," "huge," and "colossal" can't capture the sheer magnitude of the gridiron orgy that will take place on Saturday.

Thus, we have coined a new term: Gilgameshian. "Homerian" had already been taken.

For the record, the College Football Report Free Range Chicken likes #4 by 2.5, #6 by 1, #11 by 6.5, #21 plus 3.5, and #2 by 24.5 for those of you running the numbers.

Tags: Chicken pickin', stuff written in cuneiform

* After further review, there was some ball droppage: Walt Anderson, head of the Big 12 conference officials, apologized to Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy this week for a blown call in the waning seconds of the Cowboys loss to Texas last Saturday.

Texas RB Joe Bergeron seemed to fumble the ball before he crossed the goal line on a short run from the two with less than a minute remaining. Officials called a touchdown on the field but replays show Bergeron fumbling the ball, which was recovered by OSU safety Daytawion Lowe from the scrum in the end zone.

The loss dropped the Cowboys to 2-2 overall with a win, loss, win, and screw-job through the first four games.

Tags: asterisks, our bad

* Hitting the trifecta: Earlier this season, Oklahoma State wide receiver Tracy Moore notched his third arrest in six months after allegedly providing alcohol to a minor outside Brown's Bottle Shop in Stillwater.

The Cowboys must have considered these issues mere bumps in the road, as Moore has played in three games this season, recording 17 receptions, 221 yards, and 4 TDs.

No word on the booze in question from the incident, but the special this week on 6-packs of 16oz PBR cans ($4.74) looks mighty inviting. Ditto the 30-pack ($16.46) of Strohs. (Both types.)

Tags: Stroh's, Stroh's Light

* Five strikes and you're out: Purdue dismissed linebacker Dwayne Beckford before the season kicked off when police discovered bath salts in his apartment during an incident in August.

Police responded to a call about a domestic disturbance in Beckford's apartment and discovered a variety of drug paraphernalia and illegal substances, including a "glass smoking pipe," "two pieces of aluminum foil with burnt residue," and a container of what "presumptively tested positive for bath salts."

The case was the fifth in 14 months for Beckford, proving the old gambling maxim, "when you're hot, quintuple-down."

The Boilermakers must miss Beckford, who was the second-leading tackler on the team last season.

And while we don't condone drug use, we can't help but wonder if a guy who is experiencing "increased heart rate, agitation, hallucinations, extreme paranoia, and delusions" might not be useful.

Tags: smokin', snortin', zombie apocalypse

* On the plus side, basketball starts soon: As if the 1-4 start wasn't bad enough, fate has added injury to insult to the Kentucky Wildcats. Make that injuries - UK lost their starting QB for the season and starting RB CoShik Williams is done as well.

The key release by the Sports Seal this season was Anyone Playing Against Kentucky, but now that hardly seems sporting. Even so, the Seal is taking Mississippi State -10 this weekend.

Tags: torn labrums, ligaments

* Flagged for insufficient celebration: Tennessee head coach Derek Dooley has had it. Last month, Dooley expressed his frustration by catching and spiking a wayward pass by QB Tyler Bray as it sailed out of bounds.

At the time, the Volunteers were trailing the Georgia Bulldogs by 17 late in the fourth quarter. The Vols are 0-12 against Top 25 teams during Dooley's tenure and UT's last win against a ranked team came over No. 21 South Carolina in 2009.

Dooley has this weekend off but his life is only going to get worse as he faces #20 Mississippi State, #1 Alabama, and #6 South Carolina in the following three weeks.

The Seal puts the Over/Under for Dooley's remaining time at the helm at October 28.

Tags: hot seat, Rocky Top

* Update: The storied history of the TicketCity Bowl has come to an end after two years.

The New Year's Day game, created to replace the Cotton Bowl after the Cotton Bowl left its traditional home in Dallas - the Cotton Bowl - for Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, will now be known as The Heart of Dallas Bowl.

In addition to the picks above, the Seal likes Michigan State -14 at Indiana (noon) and UCLA -2.5 at Cal (10:00 p.m.) on Saturday.

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MIke Luce is our man on campus. He welcomes your comments.

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