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The College Football Report: Butt Booze, Bullets, Bow Ties And Ball State

The Ball State Hoosieroons*, also known as the Cardinals, eked out a win over the the South Florida Bulls last Saturday thanks to a spectacular catch in the end zone by Willie Snead and suddenly, at 3-1, our friends from Indiana look like bowl contenders.

So, too, do our friends from Minnesota, who, under the tutelage of former Northern Illinois Huskie coach Jerry Kill, are 4-0 entering Big Ten play against Iowa on Saturday in the annual battle for the pig trophy known as the Floyd of Rosedale.

What in the world is going on?

We're not sure but we like the Hoosieroons* giving 2 1/2 against Kent State and the (struggling) Hawkeyes giving 7, having seen too many strong non-conference starts by Gophers past evaporate into the mist once they start playing the big boys.

* Hoosieroons came in a distant fourth when the student body voted for a new nickname in 1927, but we're so fond of it that we're, um, occupying it.

The Big 10 Will Not Lose To The SEC In The BCS This Year
Because they are so bad they won't get the chance.

Exhibit A: Central Michigan over Iowa.

Exhibit B: The only undefeated teams in the conference are Ohio State, Northwestern and the aforementioned Gophers. Northwestern and Minnesota!

The numbers, however suggest that the conference really isn't any worse than it was last year - which is to say that the Big 10 Sucks concept isn't exactly news.

Maybe Big Ten teams should worry less about bow ties and more about winning football games.

This Way Both of Your Hands Are Free For Texting
Some ingenious frat boys at the University of Tennessee have blazed a new trail in alcohol abuse: The alcohol enema.

Last Saturday, the UT Medical Center admitted a student with a 0.4 blood-alcohol level who had reportedly received an alcohol enema earlier in the evening. The student, a member of Pi Kappa Alpha, which is apparently Greek for Stick An Old Style Up My Ass, was treated, released and still walking gingerly.

Bullet The Blue Sky
A woman in the stands watching last Saturday's New Mexico-New Mexico State game was struck in the leg by a stray bullet fired "from outside the stadium, from a shot fired into the air."

Campus police will start "focusing on heavier patrols outside their stadium as well as inside," which ought to solve the problem much more effectively than doing something about New Mexico's lax gun laws; the state does not require firearms registration or a permit to purchase a handgun. It also allows assault weapons and issues concealed carry permits. What could go wrong?

Throwing Is the New Running
Breaking news: The Heisman will go to a quarterback this year.

Just like it has in all but one (Alabama RB Mark Ingram in '09) of the past 11 seasons.

Chicken Pickin'
The Chicken likes the following two match-ups:

* Georgia head coach Mark Richt suspended two starters on defense - linebacker Alec Ogletree and All-American safety Bacarri Rambo - to begin the season, but chances are that on Saturday he will, in the words of The Baha Men, let the 'Dogs out. T

The Pick: Bulldogs -14 over the Volunteers.

* Ohio State-Michigan State will take center stage on ABC (2:30 p.m.) on Saturday.

OSU has been "rocked by penalties, an inability to make tackles in the open field, giving up big plays and an erratic offense that has trouble putting together first downs for long spans of time." And the problem is?

The Pick: Buckeyes (+2.5) getting points.

The Beachwood Sports Seal Speaks
In the words of T. Bert Lance, former Director of the Office of Management and Budget: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

The Pick: South Carolina (-20.5) over Kentucky.


Mike Luce is our man on campus. He welcomes your comments.

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