Sports

The BP Crosstown Cup Comedy Series

By The Beachwood BP Disaster Response Affairs Desk

The jokes (almost) write themselves.

* The first 10,000 youngsters in the park receive dark brown bobbleheads of Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot.

* The first 10,000 fans receive BP/Cubbie tarballs.

* The Cup goes to the team with the leakiest bullpen.

* Instead of All-Star balloting, fans will be given a ballot to choose biggest disaster: the Cubs roster, the White Sox roster or the leaking oil well.

* Carlos Silva and Bobby Jenks compete to see who can sit on oil well first to stop the leak.

* Jokester BP reps coat the Crosstown Trophy with oil so the trophy slips out of winning team's hands. BP reps yell "Gotcha!"

* All fans in attendance receive 1,300 gallons of crude.

* BP estimates Mark Buehrle's ERA at 5.40, although independent analyses at Tulane and the University of Florida suggest this number is really somewhere between 19.65 and 22.74.

* If the Cubs win, Obama will go on national television and tell everyone how "disappointed" he is and wishes someone would do something about the Sox hitting.

* The Presidential Commission on Offensive Mediocrity will have its recommendations for the 2010 White Sox ready for Opening Day, 2012.

* Obama will also consult experts to determine which White Sox's ass to kick.

* Obama: "You know, I was a Cubs fan growing up . . . "

* Electrolux trumps BP sponsorship at the last minute to see which team *really* sucks the most.

Beachwood Odds
* Leak is plugged before Ted Lilly wins another game: 5:2

* Leak is plugged before Mark Kotsay raises his batting average over .220: Even

* BP commits fewer errors this weekend than the White Sox infield: 1:4

BP Problems v. Cubs/Sox Problems
BP: Executives worried about getting asses kicked by Obama
Cubs: Executives worried about getting asses kicked by Pirates

BP: Concerns about inability to drill in deep water
Sox: Concerns about inability of starters to go deep into games

BP: Facing PR embarrassment if crowds boo during Cubs-Sox series
Cubs/Sox: Likewise

BP: Watching profits dry up as oil continues to spill
Cubs: Watching profits dry up as Ramirez continues to cash checks

BP: Early summer of 2010 turning into disastrous period in company history
Cubs/Sox: Likewise

BP: Can't control a spewing toxic geyser
Sox: Can't control Ozzie's postgame rants

BP: Old company facing possible ugly end to storied history
Cubs: Old manager facing possibly ugly end to storied career

BP: Hope to have spill wrapped up by fall
Cubs/Sox: Hope Chicagoans go back to focusing on the Hawks by fall

BP: Take out full-page newspaper ad to apologize for Gulf spill
Sox: Take out full-page newspaper ad to apologize for Hawk Harrelson

BP: Hoping unlikely methods work to stave off further spill damage
Cubs: Hoping unlikely All-Star (Silva) works to stave off last place

BP: Changed name and logo without changing core business
Cubs: Changed owners without changing core roster

BP: Killing marlins and rays
Cubs: Getting killed by Marlins
Sox: Getting killed by Rays

BP: If spill situation isn't remarkably better by July, jobs will be in jeopardy
Cubs/Sox: If W-L records aren't remarkably better by July, veterans will be in jeopardy

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Contributing: Matt Farmer, Don Jacobson, Marty Gangler, Drew Adamek, Scott Buckner and the inimitable Beachwood Mark.

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Comments and submissions welcome.

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