Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

In the battle of Nature vs. Nurture, Nature took a bigger beating than the Bears. In court documents, Urlacher's baby momma contends that Urlacher confuses his son by painting his son's fingernails and dressing him in pink pull-ups.

Normally, such an allegation leaves the battle of Nature vs. Nurture a draw, until you find out the confusion that is the Bears' defensive scheme. If left in Chicago's scheme for three years, even the Marlboro Man would drop his trail-worn boots for Gucci shoes. You be the judge:

* In team huddles, the defense is to chant "1-2-3 Care Bears!"

* Defensive personnel package names: "Rainbow Bright," "Strawberry Shortcake", and "My Little Pony."

* Plays are diagrammed using empty plastic tea cups. Lovie's favorite doll, Mr. Meansley, signifies the crowd.

* To help motivate the squad at halftime, defensive coordinator Bob Babich rips the head off a Barbie. But he puts it right back because Lovie would be very, very disappointed with such behavior.

* When explaining a defensive concept, Lovie rhetorically asks "WWZED"? (What Would Zac Efron Do?)

* No tackling in Madden practice either.

* Videotape sessions include lessons learned from Dora the Explorer.

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Jaguars at Bears
Storyline: Both teams expected to compete for their division's title. Both teams made poopsies in their pants.

Reality: In the case of Chicago, their pink pull-up diapers are fresher.

Prediction: Chicago Minus 7 Points, Under 41 Points Scored

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Sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 40%
Recommended sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 25%

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Over/Under: The Super Bowl match-up is already set.

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Fantasy Fix: What a first-place team looks like.

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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.

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