SWINGS BOTH WAYS
A blog from a fan of both sides of Chicago baseball.
LATEST: Peavy vs. Buehrle (And Ozzie)
Beachwood Sports Archive
A monthly look backSearch The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report
In the battle of Nature vs. Nurture, Nature took a bigger beating than the Bears. In court documents, Urlacher's baby momma contends that Urlacher confuses his son by painting his son's fingernails and dressing him in pink pull-ups.
Normally, such an allegation leaves the battle of Nature vs. Nurture a draw, until you find out the confusion that is the Bears' defensive scheme. If left in Chicago's scheme for three years, even the Marlboro Man would drop his trail-worn boots for Gucci shoes. You be the judge:
* In team huddles, the defense is to chant "1-2-3 Care Bears!"
* Defensive personnel package names: "Rainbow Bright," "Strawberry Shortcake", and "My Little Pony."
* Plays are diagrammed using empty plastic tea cups. Lovie's favorite doll, Mr. Meansley, signifies the crowd.
* To help motivate the squad at halftime, defensive coordinator Bob Babich rips the head off a Barbie. But he puts it right back because Lovie would be very, very disappointed with such behavior.
* When explaining a defensive concept, Lovie rhetorically asks "WWZED"? (What Would Zac Efron Do?)
* No tackling in Madden practice either.
* Videotape sessions include lessons learned from Dora the Explorer.
-
Jaguars at Bears
Storyline: Both teams expected to compete for their division's title. Both teams made poopsies in their pants.
Reality: In the case of Chicago, their pink pull-up diapers are fresher.
Prediction: Chicago Minus 7 Points, Under 41 Points Scored
-
Sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 40%
Recommended sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 25%
-
Over/Under: The Super Bowl match-up is already set.
-
Fantasy Fix: What a first-place team looks like.
-
Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.
More from Beachwood Sports »Super Bowl Housecleaning
Listen up, Goodell. Without being able to "play" the Super Bowl, I wouldn't have even watched it.
Continue reading "Super Bowl Housecleaning" »Posted on Feb 10, 2012
No, Cubs, Baseball Is Better When . . .
. . . one of your owners isn't a lying boob.
Continue reading "No, Cubs, Baseball Is Better When . . . " »Posted on Feb 9, 2012
Fantasy Fix: First Basemen and First Benchmen
Young upstarts and veterans in new surroundings.
Continue reading "Fantasy Fix: First Basemen and First Benchmen" »Posted on Feb 8, 2012
The Best Super Bowl Ads You Didn't See
Blown chances.
Continue reading "The Best Super Bowl Ads You Didn't See" »Posted on Feb 6, 2012
The Best Of The Beachwood's Super Bowl Tweets
Is #Lame trending yet? #Madonna #SuperBowl
Continue reading "The Best Of The Beachwood's Super Bowl Tweets" »Posted on Feb 6, 2012
SportsMonday: The Goat Is Wes Welker But Tom Brady Was No Prize
Giselle Bundchen totally pissed.
Continue reading "SportsMonday: The Goat Is Wes Welker But Tom Brady Was No Prize" »Posted on Feb 6, 2012
The Super Bowl Is Decadent And Depraved
American sports at its worst.
Continue reading "The Super Bowl Is Decadent And Depraved" »Posted on Feb 3, 2012
The 2012 Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Prop Bet
Let's do the time warp again.
Continue reading "The 2012 Beachwood Super Bowl Halftime Prop Bet" »Posted on Jan 29, 2012
Breaking Beachwood Sports Feed!







