Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

Almost the whole country is in love with one buzzword: change. Please ignore the fact that in six months we're likely to tire of "change," and we're going to love "charity," "respect," or "temporary tent cities" more. Notice that I stated almost the whole country is in love with "change." One man hates change: Lovie Smith.

Lovie refuses to change the defensive call to help limit the pass. And Lovie refuses to change the offense so it plays to Rex's limited strengths and limits the effects of his limitless weaknesses.

After further review, Lovie's problem is not hubris or obstinance. Lovie simply does not understand ANY meaning of change. Here are some common definitions and Lovie's understanding of them.

*

Definition: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one's name; to change one's opinion; to change the course of history.

Lovie's Definition: Lovie is afraid to take a boat trip because of the fear that "the boat will fall off the face of the Earth."

*

Definition: to give or get smaller money in exchange for: to change a five-dollar bill.

Lovie's Definition: When somebody asks for change for $5, Lovie cuts the $5 bill in five pieces.

*

Definition: to substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind: She changed her shoes when she got home from the office.

Lovie's Definition: Lovie wears the same underwear until it wears out, though he does change it by sometimes turning it inside-out.

*

Definition: (of the voice) to become deeper in tone; come to have a lower register: The boy's voice began to change when he was thirteen.

Lovie's Definition: Even though Lovie likes to do impressions, the only one he's good at is Cleveland Brown.

*

Definition: a variation or deviation: a change in the daily routine.

Lovie's Definition: Let's practice the Tampa-2 three times today instead of twice.

*

Definition: variety or novelty: Let's try a new restaurant for a change.

Lovie's Definition: Let's play the Tampa-3! Just kidding. Okay, line up for Tampa-2 practice.

*

Definition: the passing from one place, state, form, or phase to another: a change of seasons; social change.

Lovie's Definition: No matter what I do, the game will never change and pass me by.

-

Bears at Packers
Storyline: Storied franchises meet in a storied rivalry. The average record of both teams is the same ol' story.

Reality: Green Bay's ability to adjust will be the story.

Prediction: Green Bay Minus 4 Points, Under 44 Points Scored

-

Sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 55%
Recommended sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 40%

-

Over/Under: Product placement opportunities the NFL is missing.

-

Fantasy Fix: Fantasy mysteries.

-

Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.

More from Beachwood Sports »