Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

Last Sunday, I trod on dangerous ground. I watched the Bears game with four Bears fans. As the only non-Bears fan in attendance, I walked a very fine line. On one side, you must insult them for their taste in teams. On the other hand, too many insults results in you tasting their fist. So here are the dos and don'ts to attending a Bears party:

* Do bring food that is Bears-themed. While they are giving high-fives because of another four-yard run, you'll get your investment back by drinking their beer.

* Do make sure your food gift is over the top. Consider blue-and-orange frosted cupcakes. Like moths to the flame, while you drink their beer.

* Don't cheer when the Bears make a good play. You will be forced to high-five. Or, actually, high-ten.

* Don't cheer when the Bears make a bad play. First, like sex, you always want to act like you've "been there" before. Second, unlike sex, you'll have plenty of opportunities; you don't want to tire yourself out early.

* Do question the host about the timing of the party. If invited to watch the Bears-Lions game, ask "Is this Homecoming Week or something? Or do you also expect this game to be the high point of the season?"

* Don't suggest that good play is a result of luck. Luck is only a factor to Bears fans on bad plays.

* Do suggest that good play is a result of nefarious intentions. When Kyle Orton has 200 yards passing in the first half, suggest that Lovie Smith must have big money on a Las Vegas prop bet involving Orton's passing yards.

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Bears at Falcons
Storyline: Two surprising, overachieving, 3-2 teams meet. These teams liken themselves to Seabiscuit. Nobody expected great things from Seabiscuit. The winner moves ahead "around the first turn on the playoff track", while the second "falls significantly behind the pace." Soon, you'd rather watch The Black Stallion Returns than listen to one more horse racing analogy.

Reality: "Overachieving" really means "Usually doesn't find ways to lose like they used to." Granted, the Bears have found two ways to lose when they shouldn't have, but the Falcons are due. Watch for the white van that carries the tarp, as one NFL team becomes euthanized for the playoffs.

Prediction: Bears Minus 1 Point, Over 42 Points Scored

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Percentage of sugar in the Pitcher of Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 75%
Recommended sugar in the Pitcher of Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 45%

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Over/Under: How to make a happy sports radio call.

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Fantasy Fix: J.T. O'Sullivan is the next Ben Roethlisberger.

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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.

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