Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

A non-scientific study conducted by the Kool-Aid Report's research staff has concluded that only five people on the planet predicted last week's win over the Colts. Given their shocking prescience, we asked them to reveal what else our future holds.

* Barack Obama will win the election but step down shortly after taking office when it is revealed that he tried to get a federal earmark for a bridge to Northerly Island, or, in other words, a Bridge to Nowhere.

* The Cubs will crash-and-burn due to a reliever corps that becomes a Bridge to Nowhere.

* Britney Spears' comeback is halted when doctors determine her frontal lobe is a Bridge to Nowhere.

* New ad campaign: This is your brain on a Bridge to Nowhere.

* Chicago wins the 2016 Olympic Games after promising the IOC it will build three Bridges to Nowhere to go along with the Skyway in order to leave a legacy behind.

* The Bears discover that their deceiving win against the Colts is a Bridge to Nowhere once they fail to make the playoffs.

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Bears at Panthers

Storyline: A match-up between two teams with stout running games and unyielding defenses. Do you love football? Well, you'll get morning wood thinking about this game!

Reality: Though both teams played well on the road last week, only one team played against a healthy opponent. Furthermore, expect your genitalia to crawl into your body cavity when watching two teams that "play not to lose."

Prediction: Carolina Minus 3 Points, Under 37 Points Scored

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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 65%
Recommended sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 40%

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Over/Under: Some teams are already doomed. Is yours on the list?

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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.

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