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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

I finally followed through with a lifelong dream (if had been alive for only the last two years): Go see a game at Soldier Field. With friends Darren from L.A., Shannon the Dolphins fan, and Melissa the friend of Darren, I attended my first game at the spaceship. Did I have fun? Did Bears fans Darren and Melissa offer Shannon and I to a mob of raving Bears fans? How are the bratwursts with sauerkraut? Here is my game report.

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Travel to the Soldier Field
* We drove from northwest fucking suburban Chicago to Melissa's place, a scant three blocks from Soldier Field. Traffic was very light. We expected a crowd reminiscent of an April game at U.S. Cellular.

* We arrive at Melissa's earlier than expected. We discover parking for $40. Fuck you, Bears, we have a parking pass! Suck it!

* My breakfast: Coffee before leaving. A beer at Melissa's. While I'm in the bathroom, I grind up a Lipitor for easy snorting. I need the medication to act fast.

* We walk over at 11 a.m. I spot a few Saints fans. Nobody is talking shit to them. Disappointing.

* I say "Kyle is our quarterback." Darren and Melissa are not happy. Shannon chuckles.

* We pick up our tickets from the Will Call shanty. I'm expecting to get my receipt from a dot matrix printer.

Pre-Game
* My first impression upon walking in: It's nice that they built the field inside a National Guard armory.

* My second impression upon walking in: So if they found it OK to desecrate the original design, would it hurt to put up some escalators? I'm working off coffee and beer!

* Seats - Section 220, overlooking South End Zone, nearest to exit for fast access to additional beer and food. Thanks Ticketmaster!

* The bratwursts with sauerkraut are really fucking good. I could eat roughly $64 worth.

* I eat half a bratwurst waiting for Darren to get his crappy Miller Lite. I eat the rest as the lady pours mine.

* Shannon, during the warm-ups: "The Saints punter is practicing punting toward the sidelines. This is a bad sign."

Game
* Saints fans sit directly in front. Nobody yells at them, including Darren and Melissa. Very disappointing.

* We discover moments later that Darren (who lives in L.A.) knows the Saints fans. Who the fuck are we going to yell at so they end up buying us a beer to avoid a fight?

* Shannon and I agree that Urlacher is overrated. We point out that any linebacker is good when you have a great defensive line. Fan in the row in front of us hears what I say. Great, a fan with rabbit ears. Prepare to be offended!

* A jazz saxophone player performs the National Anthem. Isolated cheers start within first 10 seconds. Impressive! Great job, Bears fans.

* Bears win the flip and elect to receive. I have two beers in my bladder, and I can't miss the Hester return and the high-flying Bears offense, sans the high-flying part.

* After the Bears march down the field for a field goal, the Saints start deep in their own territory. Drew Brees drops back and looks to his left. Urlacher follows his eyes and meets the ball. The crowd cheers as if he's really popular.

* In the ensuing possession, Greg Olsen appears to make an acrobatic catch. The official rules that his second foot fell out of bounds. Scoreboard operator shows replay very slowly. Crowd yells equally as slow "OOOONNNNEEEEE . . . AAAAWWWWWW!" Remedial counting joke not uttered.

* Scoreboard operator shows a stadium-placed banner "4th Phase." Banner is to inspire faith that fans are the "4th Phase" to help Bears to victory. It's a contrived marking ploy, and it stinks.

* For the halftime entertainment, three fans are to throw a ball through a hole from 5, 10, and 20 yards away. Nobody boos the lady when her 20 yard attempts go no farther than 13 yards. Come on Chicago! Needless booing is not just for Cubs fans!

* Adam Archuleta makes a tackle on punt coverage. I ask Darren how that acquisition turned out. Darren politely requests me to "Fuck off." Fan in front of us turns and smiles.

* Shannon and I go out of our way to point out Urlacher failing to shed blocks and to tackle. I state "Urlacher is a pretty damn good safety." Both Darren and fan in front of us are unhappy. I guess saying something like "Christmas would be so much better if it wasn't for Jesus" would have been less offensive.

* A spectator in a Dolphins jacket receives a "Dolphins Suck." That's like yelling "Frozen nitrogen is really cold!"

* After scoring a billion times, I'm guessing they had to go to the alternate copy of "Bear Down, Chicago Bears."

Post-Game
* After the game, fans chant "Packers suck! Packers suck!" No wonder Saints fans when unmolested. Fans thought they played the Packers.

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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

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Posted on Sep 21, 2020