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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

My first job out of college: Drug and alcohol abuse counselor in the state of Wisconsin. Talk about an uphill battle. It's probably easier to be a dictation coach for W. In the course of talking with those in the system, we'd state that it's important to replace the behaviors associated with using drugs and alcohol with new behaviors. Here's the problem: Gardening and stamp collecting failed to hold the excitement of those who did things like break into houses or start bar fights.

This advice does work, though, for a fan base hitting rock bottom. Here are the most common Kool-Aid Nation behaviors, and recommended replacement behaviors.

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Current Behavior: Yelling at the TV.
Replacement Behavior: Redirect anger to your dysfunctional family.

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Current Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Bears column written by local sportswriters.
Replacement Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Cubs column written by local sportswriters.

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Current Behavior: Turning to ESPN a dozen times a day.
Replacement Behavior: Turning to Greta Van Susteren a dozen times a day as you use the Drew Peterson story as a diversion.

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Current Behavior: Drinking beer.
Replacement Behavior: Drinking actual Kool-Aid.

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Current Behavior: Eating junk food.
Replacement Behavior: Shooting junk.

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Current Behavior: Sporting the Blue and Orange.
Replacement Behavior: Sporting the Black and Tan.

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Current Behavior: Supporting a loser.
Replacement Behavior: Moving to Green Bay.

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Broncos at Bears
Storyline: The Bears start one of two ineffective quarterbacks. The Broncos start an ineffective run defense. CBS starts two ineffective announcers.
Reality: Fans watching the game exhibit ineffective time management skills.
Pick: (Due to holiday travel, I needed to write this early. There is no line on this game. I take Denver and the Under.)

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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 15%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: <1%

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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

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Posted on Mar 15, 2019

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