Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

After the Bears' 34-10 drubbing at the hands of Dallas, the Kool-Aid Nation centered their thoughts around one mantra: "It could be worse." Well, technically, only two things are worse than their current record: 0-3 and 0-2-1. I'm not one to piss on the Kool-Aid Nation's parade, though. Rather, allow me to help list the things that are non-technically worse than a 1-2 record.

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After a night of drinking, you crash your car. Thankfully, the cops seem to forget to ask you why you left the accident scene.

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You ask your spouse for "tickets for the big game;" you get home opener tickets for the Blackhawks.

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You get to speak to a packed house at an Ivy League school. Unfortunately, your name is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

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Your boss pulls you aside and says, "Take the day off tomorrow;" then he says, "because you're fired".

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Your one-night stand calls you to let you know she passed her test;her pregnancy test.

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You wonder if Kyle Orton might be the answer; you wonder if Kyle Orton might be the answer.

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You think you're being complimentary when you say you "couldn't get over the fact" that there was no difference between the black-run Sylvia's and the others.

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You're happy buying a new iPod for $169, but then Apple releases a new iPod with 10x the functionality for $29.

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Bears at Lions

"Brian is our quarterback" doesn't have the same ring as "Rex is our quarterback." At some point, perhaps we can make Lovie do some sort of "Match Game" send-off like "BLANK is our quarterback."

Let's face it, Griese is just a temporary stain remover. Expect the Bears to look more like the 2006 Bears this week, until defenses finally expose the real problem - the Bears need to run well to set up the pass. Calling Cedric Benson! Perhaps Lovie should have insisted that "Thomas is our running back." Expect the words "Kyle is our quarterback" around Week 9.

Pick: Chicago Plus 3 Points, Over 45 Points Scored.

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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 25%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 25%

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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.

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