Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

Dos and Donts to keep in mind while the Bears proceed to win the Super Bowl on Sunday.

* DO remain in close contact your fellow Bears fans from now until game time. Even the bandwagon fans. This is a time for goodwill toward all.

* DO NOT contact any Colts fans you may know. They live in Indiana.

* DO purchase an insane amount of alcohol. You cannot overdo it.

* DO NOT consume all that alcohol before game time without restocking.

* DO become pleasantly intoxicated by kickoff.

* DO NOT drink yourself into a blackout, at least until the post-game coverage kicks in.

* DO wear a Bears jersey during the game just this once if you want to.

* DO NOT wear the jersey of a current Bear or a former Bears quarterback.

* DO keep your belly full of food. You'll need your strength late into the night.

* DO NOT fill up on chick food. On this day, at least, be a man.

* DO express your emotions to the utmost from kickoff on.

* DO NOT use the occasion of a Bears victory to finally tell your buddy how much you love him.

* DO watch the commercials during the game, just this once.

* DO NOT change the channel at any time, even if The Lingerie Bowl is on.

* DO use the bathroom at halftime. Prince will never be at his worst than at his Super Bowl show.

* DO NOT use the bathroom during a break for a coach's challenge. You need to watch every angle as many times as possible, so that if a non-Bears fan accuses the Bears of stealing the win, you have your rebuttal handy.

* DO hug your fellow Bears fans once - once - after the win.

* DO NOT say "I cannot wait for next year." That's for Cubs fans.

* DO call other Bears fans, including family members. This may be the only chance in your life to share.

* DO NOT call Colts fans to congratulate them on a fine season. They don't want to hear it.

* DO help your Super Bowl host clean up. Especially if he spent his time bashing the Bears all year on The Beachwood Reporter. Your grace will make him feel even worse for bashing the Bears all year.

* DO NOT steal the leftover deviled eggs. This is a time for goodwill among men.

* DO call in to every sports radio show you can get on. Never mind that you're drunk; you'll sound just like the typical regular-season caller out of his mind over Lovie's failure to make half-time adjustments.

* DO NOT admit that you never believed in Rex Grossman. There'll be plenty of time for that next year when he goes into the tank.

And of course, do not drive home drunk when it's so much more fun to trample through people's yards and piss in the alleys. It will be the one night of the year that nobody will care.

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Sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 65%
Recommended sugar in the Super Bowl pitcher: 100%

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More Bears coverage:

* Bear Down, Chicago Media.

* A Bears Top Ten Review.

* Super Bowl Shuffling.

* Lessons from NFL 2006.

* Tank vs. Troutman.

* The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archive.

* The Over/Under archive.

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