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Revisionization

Sure it's a loss, but if you take away the fumble return, and Matthew Stafford loses the ball on the goal line, Jay Cutler remembers that he is to distribute the ball to members of his own team, a modicum of clock management is practiced in the last eight minutes, Henry Melton miraculously recovers from a torn ACL in four days and Reggie Bush rushes for only 80 yards in the first half . . .

. . . the Bears still lose 33-30.

If you watched the previous three games, you know that the core of the Bears defensive strategy is ball punching. Not so much with the wrestling their opponents to the ground.

I thought I heard Mel Tucker call it "tarkling" on one of those "Miked Up!" vignettes.

Yeah I know it's actually spelled "Miced" but it looks like a past participle related to "mice" and yeah it's difficult to tell if I typed "Miked Up" or "Milked Up" with the font I'm using and yeah that reminds me that I've got to see what's going on at DrTuber because it's "Tentacle Tuesday"* and yeah I gotta stop free associating with a loaded hose.

Anyway, you know, the "Miked Up" cutaways that are actually Bose commercials that usually feature guys providing insightful comments on the game of football like "LET'S GO BABY!!!", "GRRRRAAAAAHHHH!!!" and "OWWWWWCH, MY ACL!!!"

I bet some of you are saying that if ONLY one Brian Urlacher were still playing we could expect an outcome in which the Bears only gave up 28 points and for some reason Jim Schwartz** opted to run only toss plays, thus allowing the legendary linebacker to use his vaunted "sideline to sideline" lateral speed to stop the Detroit run game cold.

And if they'd allowed Urlacher to play at the same time as 11 other defenders in some kind of 4-4 Nickel package, you'd be right.

I mean, if the crowd is the 12th man, that makes the sideline the 13th defender, and of course you're never really alone when you have Jesus, so why not let the Bears push it up to 15 guys on the field with a zombie linebacker?

Adjusting Yourself In Public
So now what?

The Bears had some weaknesses exposed last week (i.e. "tarkling") and now we have to wonder what they plan to do about it.

I don't think an overcorrection is necessary. You can make a compelling argument that the Bears are clearly the third best team in the NFC right now (note to self: stop writing these things before Week 9), though the same argument leads you to the conclusion that the NFC is playing so poorly overall that it is collectively being evaluated for concussion-like symptoms.

That in mind, I assert that only a subtle adjustment on special teams is what the doctor ordered. Follow me down the rabbit hole on this one.

Marc Trestman is the only human I've seen whose hat hair seems to pull his entire face seven inches toward his anus.

See? With hat, normal looking dude.

But sans hat . . . dun dun DUN!

I say the Bears should leverage this metamorphosis during kick returns. Clearly the blocking scheme has lost a step since Dave Toub moved on to Kansas City***.

Now it's time to use the element of surprise.

Blam!

Eyebrow attack!

Hester sprung loose for 57-yard gain.

If that doesn't work, just run that Alshon Jeffery end-around four more times a game.

Kool-Aid (4 Out Of 5 Hurricanes)
Like last week, this game figures to be a battle of two excellent offenses, but unlike last week this contest will also include a battle of slightly overrated defenses.

Rob Ryan brings his seven inches of hair and love of ham to the lakefront, while the Bears counter with a patented love of allowing too many points in the second and third quarters.

Chances are Cutler bounces back and executes throws to his teammates, and I think Peanut shuts down Jimmy Graham, but it's safe to say that Darren Sproles racks up some impressive receiving yards.

I don't care if Vegas calls it a pick-em; Bears take it by three points because they're at home.

Bears 34
Saints 31

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* Even I'm not doing a link for that one. Seriously internet porn, tentacles? And I thought "Czech" was oddly specific.

** Jim Schwartz already had a serious case of the "jerk faces" going on before he was cast in the NBC remake of the "Mirror, Mirror" episode of Star Trek. That's only half a joke. NBC remade Knight Rider. I bet a mini-series based solely on "The Trouble With Tribbles" airs more episodes than the Ironside reboot.

*** Who knew that a pallet of KC Masterpiece could be an effective signing bonus.

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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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