Sports

The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report

By Eric Emery

Lesson learned.

For even I had drunk from the Pimp Cup of Culterdom, the Holy Kool-Aid Grail promising deliverance from the wilderness.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

TrackNotes: Fake Plastic Dirt

I won't make the same mistake twice. Here's what the Bears will have to do to make me regain interest in their season.

* Jay Cutler is arrested for beating up a cab driver over 10 cents, making him twice as nuts as Patrick Kane.

* Brian Urlacher is caught playing softball with Carlos Zambrano; blames the media for ensuing uproar.

* Lovie Smith develops a third expression to "The slight smirk because things aren't looking good" and "Holy shit I don't know what I'm doing." This one will be called "Who the hell is calling these plays?"

* Devin Hester adds a cape to his uniform.

* Nate Vasher unhooks the plow behind him so he can actually cover somebody.

* Matt Forte earns his doctorate in genetics, clones himself, and uses his clones to run the ball after he gets tired.

* Tommie Harris does at least one thing in a game that gets a mention from the announcers outside of "Is Tommie Harris playing today?"

* Patrick Mannelly shuts down his Long Snapper website to start FakeKicksI'llNeverCallAgain.com.

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Steelers at Bears
Storyline: Both teams represent blue-collar cities. Both teams have a blue-collar work ethic. Both cities like fatty food.

Reality: It is no longer the 70s.

Prediction: Steelers Minus 3, Under 38 Points Scored

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Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 55%

Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: So little, the FDA would not require you to disclose it as an ingredient on the packaging.

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For more Emery, please see the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report archives and the Over/Under collection. He welcomes your comments.

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