Beachwood Sports ArchiveA monthly look back
Beachwood Sports VideoPlease Stop Believing 99 Years of Cub Losses The 1908 Song Blame It On Bartman We Can't Wait 100 Years Dusty Must Get Fired
Search The Beachwood Reporter
Subscribe to the Newsletter
Oh, how expectations have changed.
You needn't look any further for evidence than the reaction of the average Bear fan following Sunday's loss to the visiting Denver Broncos.
Fire John Fox.
Fire him NOW.
He undermined all of the confidence this team built the last eight weeks by going for it on fourth-and-goal. There were 10 minutes left.
Then re-hire him.
Then punch him in the balls.
Then fire him again.
It wasn't always like this.
Let's take a look at how our feelings have evolved following each of the season's losses.
Week 1 vs GB: 31-23
"Meeeeeeehhhhhhh. Waddya gonna do (sips beer)."
Week 2 vs ARI: 48-23
"That was worse than I was expecting. Somehow my eyes and groin hurt. I do believe I shall see a doctor about a tetanus shot or some Valtrex."
Week 3 @ SEA: 26-0
"Oooooohh-kay. I see what's going on here. We suck. Sucky, suck, suck. Trade everybody. This sucks. (Stomps out of living room). No, I'm fine honey . . . ENOUGH! I said . . . I'M . . . FINE!"
Week 6 @ DET: 37-34
"WHAT THE HELL, MAN?! (Flips over card table in front of the couch.) Are you F-ing KIDDING ME? To some team that can't figure out what a friggin' CATCH is?! WHERE IN THE F WERE THE ASSHATS WHO CALL THEMSELVES REFEREES ON THAT ONE????!!! (Removes shoe, starts pounding shoe into hapless card table.)
"Screw this! NO HONEY, I WON'T TAKE IT EASY!! (Once again, flips card table.) YOU TAKE IT EASY! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR MOM CAN HEAR ME, BACK OFF!!!"
Week 8 vs MIN: 23-20
[Editor's Note: you can just go ahead and insert a Christian Bale rant here. What Carl actually wrote simply can't be printed, even on the Internet - a medium in which there is no ostensible barrier for publication.]
Oh c'mon! Donald Trump just publically advocated for the creation of a database used for the express purpose of tracking people who belong to a specific religion. His stuff is allowed on the web and mine isn't? Why?
[Editor's Note: First, I assume that the Trump quotes were made publicly available as a warning to any and all who cracked open a history book which covered 1939 through 1945. Second, your "bit" about tattooing numbers on Packer fans is ranging a bit too far into that same horrific territory for my liking.]
We need to be able to easily identify them! So we don't accidentally eat Thanksgiving dinner together!
[Editor's Note: Still horrible. And doesn't even slightly explain why you advise Bear fans to avoid exposing their teeth when Aaron Rodgers is on TV, or to spit three times after accidentally making direct eye contact with any person with dark brown eyes from Door County.]
So evil spirits don't promote disease inside your village. Who needs a hex? I sure as hell don't.
[Editor's Note: Wha . . . ? As in some kind of Gypsy curse?]
I've been reading Kosinski. He had some good ideas.
[Editor's Note: "SOME GOOD IDEAS" WERE WHAT YOU TOOK AWAY FROM THE PAINTED BIRD???]
. . . can we edit this out?
News 'N' Notes: Short Week Edition
- Jimmy Clausen's tenure as Chicago's backup QB came to an end on Tuesday. The veteran was waived in order to clear $42,000 in salary cap space, which was quickly reallocated to the purchase of a churro-centric food truck.
- Seventh overall draft pick Kevin White has been spotted at team workouts for the first time since mid-summer, prompting optimism that the one-two offensive punch of Alshon Jeffery and White might be on display before season's end. That optimism was quickly dulled as it became clear that the rookie had been away from the game long enough to forget many of football's basics, including the meaning of the word "route" and the type of uniform to wear*.
- Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari welcomed their third child into the world on Monday; daughter Saylor. Which is a fine name for a cute little girl, but an awfully odd name for a dog**.
- In other injury news, Matt Forte is expected to be available for the Thanksgiving Day tilt against Green Bay. The star running back was expected to miss another week or so, but a medically prescribed shot of "Oh Shit It's A Contract Year 'n' I Gotsta Get Paid" alleviated his symptoms to the point where he feels he can contribute at his usual level of excellence.
Back With The Pack
This Thursday, the Green Bay Packers organization will retire Brett Favre's jersey in a pre-game ceremony.
Seems kinda strange that they haven't done that yet.
I mean the guy won 172 games and a Super Bowl in Green Bay, was a staple of the offense for 17 straight seasons . . .huh.
He retired five years ago.
Why has it taken this long to bring the ol' Gunslinger back for a party?
Did he do something wrong?
Didn't he get a happy ending from Vikings owner Zygi Wilf while his wife was at chemotherapy?
No, I think he got caught trying to convince two female meter maids to have a threesome by sending them each a picture of one of his balls. Like, he sent one gal a picture of Lefty and the other one a picture of the testicle he calls "The Hangman." I wonder if that ever works . . .
No. It totally doesn't. Put away your phone.
Oh, this (indicates cell phone in left hand)? I was just going to make a dinner reservation. For me and my family. At . . . the food place.
Stop. For so many reasons. Stop.
Sure thing guys . . . whatever you say (slowly puts phone back on desk). But those were some funky allegations by Jets employees, right?
Yeah, if you Google "Brett Favre" a sideline reporter named Jenn Sterger shows up third in the "people also searched for" section.
Maybe the Packers wanted to let a little time pass . . . so where'd Deanna Favre rank in that search?
Fifth. Behind Aaron Rodgers and before Dan Marino.
Hey, that's a slight moral victory.
(Reviews pictures of women who are returned in a search results for "Brett Favre massage therapist")
This guy's really into brunettes.
So are you.
So I'm in good company!
Well, yes. If you're talking about your wife. No, if you're talking about a tangential hair color-preference association, with a guy who actively and aggressively cheated on a woman who as battling cancer at the time.
Are you guys telling me to give my wife cancer so I can have threesomes with massage therapists?
No. No. A thousand times no . . .
Kool-Aid (4 of 5 Pints Of Scream)
One of my new favorite double imperial IPAs.
Try a glass, and I think you'll be saying "Next Time, Make It A Double!"
(Accepts Monopoly-esque bag with dollar sign on it)
Seriously, though, great beer. Shockingly potent, so drink responsibly. By which I mean stay away from your phone after you've had like four of these delicious elixirs.
You can't un-sext your high school Spanish teacher.
Christ, we told you to put that thing away!
That's what she said! Ha!
Anyhoo, the last time these teams met the Bears seemed happy to end that game losing by just one score. But as we discussed earlier, things have changed.
Between the improved expectations, the opponent, and the fact that this game kicks off (Ha!****) a four-day weekend for many of us, this game deserves some hype.
It's a tough match-up to call, mostly because of the overall negative momentum of Green Bay, and the overall positive momentum of Chicago.
While the dual rushing threat of Forte and Langford, coupled with the projected return of Alshon Jeffery, will make the Bears' offense potent, I don't think they'll be able contain Aaron Rodgers in the fourth quarter.
Especially after he uses his Super Mario Bros.' power star. I don't think it's going to run out in time like it did against the Panthers.
Good game, disappointing finish in store.
Packers 27, Bears 24
* For a minute there I thought putting White into a cute lil' jockey's outfit was a touch mean . . . and then I found the actual picture that the folks at SaukValley.com settled on, which captures a moment in which the wide receiver looks like a real life Nintendo 64 rendering error. Great job, guys!
** Save your angry letters; I am not making fun of a two-day old kid***. Search the word "dog" in that article to unearth my cryptic reference.
About The Author
Carl Mohrbacher is thankful for Russian dash cam videos, Scandinavian "Victory Metal" bands and the Binny's Beverage Depot six blocks from his house. Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Former St. Louis Blues and Milwaukee Bucks exec joins Evil Empire.Continue reading "Sinclair's Cubs Network Names Complicit GM" »
Posted on May 22, 2019