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The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report: Voodoo, Dr. Death & Mrs. Wifey

Pre-Game

Me: Ugh. Monday night game. Guess we should cut down on the sauce. Got work tomorrow.

Mrs. Wifey: Suck it up dude. If Jon Gruden says "this guy" before one more dude's name, we have to drink a bottle of wine.

Me: One of these day's he's going to call Lisa Salters "this guy Lisa," and on that day we'll do heroin. But tonight, I better change the channel, what with the mortgage and all. If we get started now . . .

Mrs. Wifey (opening a bottle of wine): Oh, you don't like your job that much (pours two glasses). And Gruden just called Mike Tirico "this guy Mike." Bottoms up.

Me (taking a swig and watching Mrs. Wifey take her glass of wine upstairs): Hey, this Sangiovese isn't bad . . . what, you're not going to get drunk and yell at the TV with me?

Mrs. Wifey: Sure I am. But I want to watch garbage television until the pre-game is over. You're just going to complain at my show, so I'm watching upstairs in my bed.

Me: I assume that whatever you're tuning into is on Bravo? Something about a yacht crew that can't stop sleeping with each other on the job?

Mrs. Wifey (takes a slug of wine, continues scampering upstairs): Damn straight, bro. Drama and boat sex! Whoop-de WHOOP!

Actual Football
Initially, it didn't look good for the Bears on Monday. Like a stud quarterback playing for Brigham Young University, the Chicago offense refused to score despite numerous early opportunities*.

On the strength of a pair of turnovers, the Chargers looked poised to run away with the game after taking a two-score lead.

But as the game wore on, San Diego's seemingly impossible run of injuries to key players continued.

Coming into the game, the list of Chargers with damaged body parts included Keenan Allen's lacerated kidney, Ladarius Green's ankle and Orlando Franklin's knee.

Now I'm not saying I necessarily did dust off my old college voodoo dolls for the purposes of supporting my rooting interest in a football team that just happens to be from the region I was born in . . . but I'm also not going to say I didn't.

In my defense, the wife and I had been drinking, which may or may not lead to witchcraft on a regular basis.

So with particular hypothetical apologies to Malcom Floyd, who is both retiring at the end of this season and is widely reported to be one of the truly good dudes in the NFL, here is the list of players who succumbed to injuries that may or may not have been the result of my alleged deeds.

  • Malcom Floyd:Left the game early with a combination of rapid onset shoulder cancer and moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.
  • Jason Verrett: Carted off the field due to a herpes flare-up. Guess replacing his Valtrex with Pez wasn't such a clever prank after all.
  • Patrick Robinson: Went to the trainer's room with a severed carotid artery. His return is listed as "questionable."

The Verrett injury was particularly impactful as the corner had been playing phenomenal defense on Alshon Jeffery.

Jay Cutler, who according to one stat is one of the most clutch performers in the NFL since coming to the Bears in 2009 (yes, really), seized upon the opportunity and began racking up yardage by capitalizing on the mismatch in the secondary.

Second Quarter

Mrs. Wifey: I can't tell when Rivers looked more like he shit himself - during the interception return or after that extra point got missed.

Me: I think he just runs around in life wearing a bolo tie and crapping himself. Why should he act any different at work? Though Gruden seemed to like his little high-step down the sideline.

Mrs. Wifey: Gruden likes everything. Including grown men running with poop pants. Would you still love me if I crapped my pants?

Me: A) Do you look as good as Philip Rivers in a bolo tie? B) Does the dump take place while you are on the move, ala Phil-dubs while he's high-steppin' it down the sidelines, or are you just dookin' up a storm in the middle of dinner?

Mrs. Wifey: Yes.

Me: Without the bolo, it's no deal.

Easy, Warm and Available
The Bears travel to St. Louis on Sunday, possibly for the last time.

Unlike the Colts, the NFL's equivalent to the biological dad who left for a pack of smokes in '84 and never came back**, the Rams have made no secret that they want to get back together with their former squeeze, the City of Los Angeles.

I'm sure that's going about as well as anytime a guy brings up his ex during a drunken argument with his current wife***.

But it turns out that this tired old whore has two other suitors on the hook that will challenge the Rams for a place to crash for the next 30 years. Let's evaluate a few quick pros and cons of each of the three franchises rumored to be moving to La La Land.

OAKLAND

Pro: The Raiders and LA have a history together and have already enjoyed some serious success marketing their brand to youth fans of the NFL in during the late '80s.

Con: You have to question the judgement of a franchise that leaves its fate, at least in part, to a spokesman named Dr. Death. "There's no Dr. Death if they move to LA. People need to understand that. If they move, I will probably cry," said Dr. Death in an honest-to-goodness real quote.

Pro: Los Angelenos can look forward to a lot more regional Ace Hardware spots by John Madden, which means fewer weird commercials for this guy. I call that a win for everybody.

Con: A quick look at the 101 Things To Do provided by Visit Oakland reveals that Oakland really, really needs an NFL team to stay relevant as a city. For those of you too lazy to click, No.1 is eating toffee and No. 4 is smelling flowers at a cemetery. No. 57 is fighting a homeless guy for someone else's luggage under the highway.

SAN DIEGO

Pro: For those of you who watched Monday night's game with the sound on, you'll note that Bears fans were well represented. Visiting fans making a lot of noise is nothing new for San Diego and few franchises have a more legitimate desire to cultivate a fan base in a town not populated by transients.

Con: I kinda feel like people from San Diego are really into avocados and avocados are fine and all, but I think maybe people who like them should maybe stay a little further to the south, with the other people who like avocados, so they can all be more comfortable around their own kind. You know what I mean.

Pro: We can start calling Los Angeles "A Whale's Vagina."

Con: It will become more difficult to see a donkey show in Tijuana and watch a professional football game on the same Monday. Can't have that.

ST. LOUIS

Pro: Like Oakland, St. Louis offers the pedigree of a former lover. They know how LA likes to get railed, plowed and, uh, shaken violently for eight minutes? I'm sure the euphemism will come to me later.

Con: The departure of an NFL franchise would leave a void likely filled by even more St. Louis Cardinals fans. Let's not give these monsters a reason to multiply.

Pro: A dude as gangster as Rams owner Stan Kroenke needs to own a team which plays its home games in Inglewood, the reported site of the new stadium. On a level of cosmic justice, this needs to happen.

Con: Unlikely that the St. Louis area delicacy known as "Gooey Butter Cake" will port effectively to the land of kale and quinoa. This oversight could ultimately send the Rams back east within three seasons.

Fourth Quarter

Mrs. Wifey (agilely shoulder-rolling off the bed): Shit, who the hell was that?

Me: Zach Miller, but I'll be referring to him as the prick whose amazing catch stopped me from getting freaky with my wife that one time.

Mrs. Wifey: Last I heard, married people don't get laid on Mondays.

Me: Oh good, a hundred and fifty columns in, she starts reading. I was trying to break a vicious, unsexy cycle.

Mrs. Wifey: So stumbling into the bedroom mid-fart and asking me to rub your thighs was the sum total of your seductive plan?

Me: Farts are all part of my mystique.

Mrs. Wifey: How much more wine we got?

Me: None, but we have eight Leinenkugel's and some Gibson's. By the way, I'm interpreting this request for an alcohol inventory as a "yes."

Mrs. Wifey: Guess it depends how many of those Leinie's I can have.

Me: Three.

Mrs. Wifey: Then, no.

Me: I still blame Miller.

Kool-Aid (3 of 5 Bottles Of Bud Platinum)
I've had, ahem, a wide variety of beers in my time and several variants of Budweiser are on that list. Most of them are absolute garbage.

I'm not saying Bud Light Platinum is a standout in any way, with one exception: Its alcohol content is notably higher than that of other beers in its family.

Apparently I'm not the only one to notice, because when you start typing "Bud Platinum" into Google, "Bud Platinum ABV" auto-populates.

While the Bears defense has been playing passable brand of football lately, they're encountering a young star hitting his stride in Rams running back Todd Gurley.

If St. Louis is smart (and Jeff Fisher-coached teams usually are), they'll lean heavily on him rather than spend extra effort trying to help the newly signed Wes Welker resurrect the back nine of his career. This doesn't bode well for Chicago.

In addition, the Rams' defense ranks in the top tier of the league, with a specialization in shutting down the passing game.

It's not a great match-up and the Bears' chances are even less appealing on the road.

Rams 20, Bears 13

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* Those kooky Mormons. They believe in cherishing romantic relationships and saving their virtue for marriage. Everybody knows you start a family by knocking up some car wash cashier during your senior year of high school.

** Don't worry, guys. The City of Baltimore's mom married Ray Lewis and got to wake up to inspirational speeches like this all through high school, which had to be awesome.

*** Oh you know what Sheila, you know WHAT??? Maybe I WILL go back to Lynette, messed up tooth and all. At least SHE let me do stuff to her butt!!! (slams door on the way to the "gas station")

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About The Author
When picking up the young Miss Mohrbacher and her friends from a concert, Carl Mohrbacher was pretty stoked that his daughter's friend thought that he and Mrs. Wifey were the young Miss Mohrbacher's brother and her brother's girlfriend. Minutes later, Carl Mohrbacher wasn't as stoked that this assumption led the daughter's friend to believe that it was cool to openly talk about how this one bitch they all know is a real annoying drunk and Carl Mohrbacher got downright un-stoked when he heard that if this bitch was going to be all dramatic and prone to vomit, they should all definitely stop going to parties with said bitch. Carl Mohrbacher is surprised how uptight his natural reaction is when shit gets real around high school girls.

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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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