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The Agony Of Victory
Aw crap, the Bears just gave everyone hope.
I know it was a fun game and you want to get excited again, but all I can say is: don't.
Just . . . don't.
But Cutler came back and the offense looked semi-functional!
We saw flashes of competence against the Packers as well, but four weeks into the season, Oakland has not figured out that tight ends are not required to be announced as eligible receivers before the snap and are allowed to run downfield to catch passes.
But the defense made some good stops! A lot of the Raiders scoring came directly from turnovers!
The Raiders' young core has promise, but quarterback Derek Carr thirsts for crack. If last Sunday's contest wasn't a day game, I would have assumed he was a vampire. You saw how pasty and itchy he looked. Sans drug-riddled opponent, this defense is only good for half a game, tops.
Robbie Gould is a worldbeater! Nothing can stop him! He can split the uprights from 70 yards out!
That final kickoff is still going on. He is a lone bright spot on an otherwise horrific special teams unit.
What the hell, man! So you're saying the Bears should just tank the season to get the first pick in next year's draft?
There is no one projected as an early first-rounder in the upcoming draft who would have a clear impact on the Bears' long term fortunes. Heck, the only impact last year's first-round pick is having is the ass-shaped dent he's grooving into his couch.
So we shouldn't get excited about success and we shouldn't root for failure? What are we supposed to do here?
Crack a beer and enjoy the football limbo that is a 4-12 season, amigo!
[Gilk, gilk, gilk. Wipes mouth.]
But don't enjoy it too much.
Ha! It's limbo not Disneyland, buddy.
We've even got post-game press conferences that feel like purgatory.
"Yeah it was a football game. Our guys played football," remarked John Fox after the win. "Those were real things that happened this afternoon. Also, I saw a ghost in the locker room a minute ago and I'm kinda freakin' out over here. He said his name was Pete McTavish, but his friends call him 'Diggy' and he was wearing those old-timey red onesie pajamas with the butt hatch. I'm kinda freaking out over here . . . alright, thanks guys."
No questions were actually asked during the "interview," as all reporters in attendance had fallen sound asleep in anticipation of the boilerplate coachspeak all of us have become accustomed to when Fox is involved.
Beat The Caption
"They threw rocks at Jesus, and Jesus was an excellent guy who did a lot of awesome stuff."
I feel like I can't top that one if I tried.
The context of this remark was a direct response to the question "Is Jay Cutler too often criticized?"
Let's take a moment to unpack that masterpiece.
Perhaps this is effectively the "Bro" version of every Jew's polite, canned answer to the question "Hey, why don't you guys read the second half of that book?"
Twitter only gives you 140 characters; the whole quote may have been "Jesus was an excellent guy who did a lot of awesome stuff . . . but we do not believe that he was the Son of God."
Maybe Bennett was singing along to a new Kanye track and reporters didn't realize it. By all accounts Kanye West is both popular and terrible at rap.
Oh, save your angry letters, fans of the rhyme game, you know Kanye is the empirically shitty, Donald Trump* of hip-hop. He's a successful producer and even more successful self-promoter, not a rapper.
We're talking about a guy actually uses the line "In a French-ass restaurant/Hurry up with my damn croissants.**"
Just . . . don't.
Based on that level of rap proficiency, I think Bennett ought to be doing some freelance work ghostwriting for Mr. West.
Here's an excerpt of an interview with Pete Holmes that could be easily be tailored to another one of those block rockin' beats (starts at 2:02). Even in normal (?) conversation, Martellus Bennett is a hell of a wordsmith.
But I digress.
I think the real answer is Bennett is playing it crazy like a fox, or more accurately, crazy like an Ozzie Guillen.
The best way to deflect attention from your teammates is to put the focus on yourself.
Coming up next, the Missouri Chiefs Of Kansas City; a team with eerie similarities to our own Chicago Bears.
A cursory scan of Google reveals headlines that could be applied to either team. Play along at home and see if you can guess which team these real articles are about, then click on the link to get the answer.
- Bears/Chiefs Start Season 1-3
- Chiefs'/Bears Defense Is On Its Way To Being Historically Bad
- Maybe The Chicago Bears/Kansas City Chiefs Just Aren't That Good
- Kicker Is One Problem Chiefs/Bears Don't Have
- Cutler/Smith Taking Sacks At A Near-Record Pace
- In Chiefs'/Bears' Fluid Offensive Line, Zach Fulton/Patrick Omameh Is Next Man Up
If you guessed right, you'll be taken to the actual article. Imagine how impressed your friend(s) will be when you showcase your in-depth knowledge of this week's opponent. They'll think you've got a head full o' book learnin' and a pocket full o' foldin' money because, like John Fox, all of your friends are the ghost miners who lived during the mid-1800s.
If you guessed wrong you'll be directed to a video where Sean Connery will teach you, in surprising detail, when it's appropriate to slap a woman.
Kool Aid (3 of 5 Glasses Of Kansas City Ice Water)
Don't worry hon, I have no plans to get sober. There's gin and vodka in this beverage.
Call me crazy [Editor's Note: Ok, you're crazy. You have a Tupperware container of toenail clippings in your fridge], but I think this is a trap game for the Chiefs.
The Bears defense will probably give up 178 total yards to Jamaal Charles, but longtime check-down specialist Alex Smith has been trying to finally, finally, huck the ball downfield . . . and it's not going well.
Kansas City's defense is waaaaay down this year and if Alshon Jeffery returns this weekend as expected, we might have a shootout on our hands here.
Based on the ball-control issues the Chiefs have had of late, I expect the Bears to pull one out on the road.
But Yeezus Christ you guys, don't get your hopes up for the rest of the season.
Just . . . don't.
Bears 34, Chiefs 28
* I could have just as easily selected Ric Flair. Trump is essentially the political version of a wrestling villain. "We're gonna build a wall around the ring at Royal Rumble so Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero can't steal Kevin Nash's job or rape Ms. Elizabeth. WOOOO!"
** I could have just as easily selected the line "I just talked to Jesus/He said, 'What up, Yeezus?/I said, 'Shit, I'm chillin',/Tryna' stack these millions.'" C'mon people. We're supposed to let our producers record one hit where they are the vocalist and summarily dismiss them from fame after 15 minutes***.
*** "Screw you," signed Thomas Dolby.
About The Author
Carl Mohrbacher completed this article early Wednesday morning because it is near impossible to type when one is screaming at the Cubs pregame broadcast.
And Carl Mohrbacher began screaming at the Cubs pregame broadcast 12 hours before the first pitch of the Wild Card play-in game.
Carl Mohbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.