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Inferior opponent, coach who makes terrible halftime adjustments, defense that plays some, uh, actual defense, Bears win!
Why can't all teams be like the Buccaneers? Where, oh where can we find another NFL team that plays only one good half of the game?
Where can we find an incomplete team who every Sunday provides their fans with momentary flashes of brilliance that only punctuate the doldrums that are the other 35 minutes of the game?
Where (other than 40% of the league*), I ask you? Where?
As much as I like seeing the Bears win, this was too ugly to describe with words that aren't an obtuse onomatopoeia, like "Guh," "bulg" or "hurf."
"Guh" - noun, word of uncertain origin.
1. Dull sound of acknowledgement that a piece of raw meat has been placed before the speaker.
2. Dull sound emitted by human when a predictable outcome has occurred in a sporting event between two mediocre teams.
One could easily make a compelling case for reducing the number of teams at the professional level.
It's an opinion that's not based not only on the brand of football that the Bears have participated in - dare I say relied upon during the last two weeks - but also because of the entire NFC South, a division that could send a 5-9-1 team to the post-season this year.
Oh shut the hell up, Saints fans.
I can hear the murmur of creole and the rustle of tie-dye gator-skin capes in the background.
Your team's unsuccessful visit to the 7-9 Seahawks in the 2010 playoffs does not entitle you to anything.
History lessons aside, this much is clear: We've got too many football teams and not enough talent to consistently put a good product on the field.
Speaking of records that read "something, something and one," let's take a page from classic hockey division names and kick our divisional naming conventions into high gear.
North, East, conference . . . I'm tired of Obama amnestying his compass words all up in my business.
I feel like the mysterious abbreviations on the console display of my dad's Subaru Outback are directions enough.
Snake Plisskin Division - Dolphins, Giants, Patriots, Ravens
"The Giants are switching conferences? Heresy!" said no one.
"We can't go to football games in Buffalo where our team loses to New England? What about watching our team lose to Tom Brady in a stadium in Toronto? No? Well alright, but we reserve the right to politely get frostbite and disagree," said everybody in upstate New York.
Steel Dragon Division - Bengals, Browns, Colts, Steelers
I can't be the only one that remembers that some of the movie Rock Star took place in Pittsburgh. My favorite part is when Mark Wahlberg performs a medley of "Ave Maria" and KISS's version of "Killer" with Tom Waits**.
I thought about calling this the Manning Division, but then the emblem would be a shot of Peyton holding up a Papa John's pizza while surfing on the hood of a Buick to the tune of "Girls On Film." Can't have that.
And yes, I am including both Ohio teams in my purified NFL out of sheer pity.
Kerry King*** Division - Broncos, Chargers, Chiefs, Raiders
Some of you may be critical of my decision to include the Raiders, despite the franchise's decade of ineptitude.
Feel free to head over to the Oakland courthouse at 661 Washington Street, interrupt the judge during the weekly Raider fan mass child support hearing and let your thoughts be known.
I'm going to stay on my side of the Mississippi, thanks.
The Roots Division - Eagles, Falcons, Lions, Virginia Tech
I'm taking a stand on behalf of my three Native American friends and that stripper named Cherokee who does the bottomless show after 1 a.m. at Diamonds.
Quit calling the previous tenants of this continent slanderous names, or you're out.
Sure, I've played a lot of basketball with indigenous people and it's "Seminole" this and "Injun" that, but that's their word.
In the meantime, we're going to give an institution that produces upstanding citizens like Michael Vick a chance to play against the big boys.
Jim Cantore Division - Bears, Packers, Saints, Vikings
For those of you who aren't familiar with the brand of climate that these four cities enjoy, try out this fun new drinking game.
Turn on the Weather Channel between October and April and take a shot every time veteran field meteorologist Jim Cantore reports a kind of inclement weather that you've never friggin' heard of.
Examples include "thundersnow," "hail-sized golf balls," "skyquake" and "mud-nado."
Clint Eastwood Division - 49ers, Cowboys, Cardinals, Seahawks
With a grapefruit over the plate like the classic film High Starbucks Drifter, it was impossible to leave the Man With No Name off the list
[Editor's Note: Oh my f-ing god, please tell me that you deliberately overlooked the San Francisco-based Dirty Harry as some kind of weird meta joke.]
[Author's Retort: Dirty Harry . . . haven't seen that one. Was that Peter Fonda?]
I left the Rams out in favor of the Cardinals, which was a real Sophie's Choice of shit I hate; a franchise actually named the Cardinals, or a franchise that is currently in St. Louis.
What to do, what to do . . . oh, right. I'm a huge Cubs fan. Suck my dick, St. Louis.
I'm giving your football team back to LA and demoting them to the now defunct Arena League.
If Rodger Goodell can do whatever the hell wants when he's in charge (triple jeopardy suspensions, suspend players for mediocre child beatings, etc), so can I.
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Billion
One of the ongoing stories surrounding the Detroit Lions is whether controversial linebacker (read: everybody thinks this guy is a colossal doucher) Ndamukong Suh will return to the Motor City next season.
"Money's not everything," Suh said earlier this week in his customary dismissive fashion before directing follow-up questions to agent Jimmy Sexton.
"As my client says," replied Suh's representative. "I mean, I don't know if it's 'quest' to be a billionaire." He shrugged while leaving his hands up while making comically slow air quotes.
"I think it's safe to say that anything over $575 million is a bit unrealistic in Detroit, but Oakland . . . " Sexton trailed off as his eyes began to dart wildly while visibly salivating.
"Ha ha ha. Yes. Oakland. Ha . . . Ha . . . HahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!"
When asked for further comment, Sexton quickly threw his violet cape aside, dropped a smoke bomb into the midst of reporters and disappeared into the shadows.
Kool Aid (3 of 5 - Delirium Noel)
My absolute favorite seasonal beer and it went on sale this week.
I'm thankful that my family starts partying at about 10 a.m. on Turkey Day, so we can get a nice buzz going prior to the Bears-Lions tilt.
Here's the thing: The Bears can definitely win this game. Detroit has lost their last two, they have their own issues generating offense, and they are, at least at press time, still the Detroit Lions.
Chicago's "recent" history on Thanksgiving isn't empirically awesome.
"Recent" being in "quotes" because they haven't played on Thanksgiving since 2004. But the good news is that between 1980 and 2004 they won twice . . . out of seven games.
Oh wait, I was right the first time. That sucks.
I have a feeling that this one is going to be close and entertaining, but I have to give the Lions the customary home win by three.
Lions 27, Bears 24.
* In a clinical sense the Giants, Redskins, Rams, Vikings, Falcons, Saints, Panthers, Bills, Jets, Raiders, Texans, Titans and Jaguars all kinda suck balls for most of any given game.
** Yup, that's two Slayer references in two weeks. Happy Holidays/Hail Satan!
*** A couple of thoughts on KISS. 1) If you told me that Tom Waits sung all of the Gene lines in the studio on "Creatures Of The Night," I'd absolutely believe you. 2) Someday, I am going to do a frame-by-frame breakdown of the video for "Lick It Up." Aside from the way-too-on-the-nose nature of the lyrics, there are MULTIPLE examples of women emerging from either the sewers or piles of trash in this video. Guys, I don't know what your plans with the sewer whores are, but bring a raincoat AND an umbrella if at all possible. Also, are they drinking liquor out of medical waste containers? 3) "It's only right now?" Is it, Paul? Is licking it up "only right?" The inference that licking up somebody's semen, and it could belong to any of at least four people by the looks of this video, is "living like you're on vacation" is a stretch to say the least.
**** Attention Other White People: If you say the sentence "I'm not racist, I've got X number of [insert any minority here . . . but probably black] friends" you've just told everyone in the room that you're deeply racist.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
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