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News And NOOOOOOOOOtes
Cue the Michael Jackson, it's officially bad.
Bad for the Bears anyway, but I've got some good news, so let's take care of a little business before we get doing.
The marketing department has been diligently working towards monetizing our efforts and we've begun to have some success.
In addition to the blood and hair donations I've been making to the orphanage each week, we're welcoming a select group of sponsors to this weekly segment.
Now, live reads usually work better in an audio format, but I think you'll find that I've developed creative ways to weave the spots into the story in an organic manner.
Not only do I personally endorse each product that sponsors the BAOKAR, you'll find yourself unable to resist the big, big taste of Northern Outpost's Bat Jerky; Canada's leading name in meat-related snacks.
In addition to the loss of pride, a football game, some key players and likely/God willing Mel Tucker's job, the Bears lost any to claim belong part of the "NFC Contender" discussion.
"Obviously, we're disappointed with the outcome," said Bears head coach Marc Trestman. "But we have to look at the things we did well. From a statistical standpoint, we won the second half. Outscored New England 16 to 13."
Sure, the sub has sprung a leak.
We had to seal twelve souls in the engine room to keep the vessel from sinking to the bottom of the Pacific, but that was a damn fine batch of mac and cheese the cook dished out at lunch today, huh?
And when you've got a leak, think Viper Diaper adult undergarments. Guam's number one bladder control product for tattoo artists.
Viper Diapers: Feel The Wave, Ride The Snake.
I know it's rote that the coaching staff has to put some kind of positive spin on this kind of loss, but let's save measurables for another day.
Here's a number that matters: The Bears lost two starters for the season due to injury.
It's also rumored that Santonio Holmes may be going to prison for performing rebroadcasts, retransmissions, and accounts of a Kansas City Royals game, without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
If like many Bears fans attempting to avoid the ingestion of any more of Sunday's action, you turned off the TV, and then threw the TV on the ground, and then threw your kid's TV out the window, and then threw your phone out the window at your kid's TV, and then threw your wife's tablet into the washing machine, and then drove your car directly into the nearest Comcast hub preventing anyone on your block from watching the rest of that game . . . [inhale] . . . then you may not have caught the manner in which Lamarr Houston ended his season.
Long idiotic story short, the D-lineman severely injured his knee celebrating a sack of the Patriots' second-string quarterback, whose name eludes me.
Let's call him Joe McJoe or Football Face or something.
Yada, yada, yada. ACL tear.
And when the BAOKAR leaves you in stitches, sew up your sides with . . . huh? Singer Sewing Machines' check bounced? Okay, screw them. Moving on.
Back to the good news, Houston is hardly alone in the pantheon of dimwitted sports injuries. Here are few notables from years past.
- Bears special teamer DeDe Lattimore slips a disc reaching for an authentic D.J. Williams jersey at Dick's Sporting Goods in an attempt to fool the coaching staff into starting him at linebacker.
- Rex Ryan smacks Geno Smith over the head with a Microsoft Surface after reviewing the day's third interception. Smith is expected to miss 2-4 weeks with a concussion and Ryan was fined $25,000 for calling the blunt instrument an "iPad" in the postgame press conference.
- In the midst of the recession, Cleveland citizens were hit hard. Former Browns running back Montario Hardesty takes an ill-advised leap into the stands and is eaten alive by hungry members of Cleveland's "Dawg Pound" following his lone touchdown of the season.
- George W. Bush severely sprains index finger catching a flying shoe during a press conference in the Philippines.
- Putting former Cub Rod Beck's famous "you can't pull fat" theory to rest, B.J. Raji misses two weeks due to stretch-mark related complications.
- Luke Skywalker severs his nipple trying while twirling a lightsaber like a baton in an attempt to catch the eye of his sister.
With the Bye Week upon us, Bears fans will have the opportunity to use Sunday afternoon to take in some non-football forms of television.
Or you could watch some other football teams play.
I guess you've got your pick of either watching football, not watching football, or watching slightly less football. The world is your oyster.
I like to use this kind of football downtime to reconnect with my closest friends.
Let's see, what's happening on Facebook today . . . my wife's aunt loves Jesus a metric fuck-ton*; an ex-girlfriend got married to a guy she cheated on - which I know because it was with me; an uncle is posting dozens of deluded right-wing conspiracy theories; a cousin is posting unrealistic bleeding heart liberal gun ban ideas; I don't give a shit that you dyed your hair, Susan; what the hell is my mom doing in my feed? Unfriend.
Rather than risk anything resembling human contact, we asked our reader[s] to write in and tell us all about their Bye Week plans.
- "Buying an oil drum of whiteout so I can finally edit that hand-typed manifesto. You have no idea how many times 'there' should be 'their' until you re-read that stuff." - Ted K., Evergreen Park
- "Catch up on the last season of Ink Master, answer some e-mails and travel back in time to assist John Connor's human resistance defeat the sentient robot horde." - Elon M., Los Angeles
- "Brains!" - Zom B., Atlanta
- "I'm making a personal commitment to update my LinkedIn profile, work on my elevator speech and fax out 31 copies of my resume before Halloween." - Mel T., Chicago
Embrace Tso-lutions: The Art Of Zen Fandom
Woe is us, Bears fans.
But even in the deepest valley of the 2014 season there are some reasons to be optimistic.
For reals-eese, the record could have easily been 2-6 if things had gone the way everyone thought it would in San Francisco.
And let's not forget how things turned out after some fast starts some recent years.
Perhaps Chicago is simply flipping the script on its recent "save the worst for last" approach.
In addition to my strangely out of character fact-based information above (why is the "strikethrough" button is so far away), I'd like to propose some strategies to turn this thing around.
It can be done, it must be done, it is the will of Gharlock The Stormbringer that our mighty legion, the City of Wind's Brotherhood Of Steel will lay waste to the NFC . . .
Sorry, I was listening to Manowar there for the last 20 minutes.
Like I was saying, here are some concrete ideas to put this thing right.
- Get a time machine, pull some Edge Of Tomorrow shit against the Packers after the Bye and . . .
Ugh. I already did the bullet point thing twice this week. Nevermind.
To tell you the truth, I don't even think Odin The Allfather can help us this year, but there are reasons, yes . . . [shifts eyes nervously] . . . many reasons . . . to feel optimistic about the second half of the season.
Thinking . . . thinking . . .
Hey, the Tampa Bay is on the schedule, kick ass! There's a "W!"
And that "W" will be brought to you by the smooth flavor of Bucca-near Beer, Florida's only alcoholic beverage to contain less than 2.5% crystal meth.
Bucca-near Beer: In Florida, it's basically O'Doul's.
We have yet to play the Vikings, so we're one Teddy Bridgewater high ankle sprain from winning at least two more and, uh, let's not forget that the Lions will stop at nothing to crap down its collective leg during the second half . . . oh, dammit. Jim Schwartz is the D-Coordinator for the Bills.
Yeah. One win against Detroit. Why not.
Packers, Saints, Cowboys. Huh.
Has anyone put in a waiver claim on Gharlock The Stormbringer? He ran a 4.4 forty.
Kool Aid (0 of 5 - Regular Old Kool Aid)
Let's take the bye week to dry out a little; give that liver a breather. It's going to need its strength for weeks 13 through 16.
Bears 0, Liver 1.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
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