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Home Failed Advantage
Sunday's loss to the Miami Dolphins felt devastating, but rather than taking this one entirely to heart, fans should view it as an irritating loss in the midst of a middling season.
Sort of like the scent of vas deferens being cauterized near the end of a vasectomy. You knew what you were in for when you cut the check to "The Offices of Dr. Spermslayah."
No use complaining about the smell at this late juncture.
Yes, the Bears are a befuddling 0-3 at home almost halfway through the year, and yes, as fans we should be upset.
But let's put the game in historical perspective.
There have been many worse losses; several of which belong to the annals of recent memory.
- 2013 Week 17 vs. Green Bay. After hitting an inexplicably wide open Randall Cobb for a decisive 4th-down score in the final seconds of what became the season's final game, Aaron Rodgers pulls down his pants and starts suggestively gyrating at the Bears wives/girlfriends section of the stands, prompting Jasmine Vichenko, the then-squeeze of Chicago safety Major Wright, to run to the middle of the field and grind on the pants-less QB until completion, which led to the birth of a child that Wright was legally responsible for under some archaic line item within the family law that binds all Florida residents.
- 2009 Week 8 vs. Arizona. The Bears get their asses handed to them so badly that during a brief pre-halftime interview with sideline reporter Pam Oliver, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner began thanking his lord and savior for another victory. "I gotta say thanks to Jesus. You knew I was going to do it, Pam," said the steadfast Christian athlete. Bears fans of all religions were instantly put off by the presumptuousness of the statement, only to become immediately dismayed as the camera cut to Jesus in the stands of Soldier Field clearly mouthing the words "You got it, bro" back to Warner.
- 2007 Week 6 vs. Minnesota. After tying the game with a late pair of touchdowns, the Bears and Vikings appeared to be headed for overtime. However, the thighs of Chicago's special teams' unit were mercilessly whipped into submission by a young Adrian Peterson, who was really only breaking tackles the way it was taught to him by a parade of shady male authority figures who visited the home of his mother back in the late '90s, and they should have really known that it wasn't a good idea to get Daddy Peterson angry near the end of his long day at work, and you need to get him the remote as soon as he settles in unless you want to catch hell, that thing absolutely cannot be lost somewhere in the couch, and they need to swear that they'll never say anything to Mike Florio or anyone else outside of the house because it ain't no nevermind . . .
- 2005 Season NFC Divisional Round vs. Carolina. Steve Smith robs Chicago mascot Barry the Bear at gunpoint for his precious salmon. Later Smith smokes the Chicago secondary, like so much lox and bagels, en route to a 29-21 Panther road victory.
Following the game, it was widely reported that tempers flared, frustrations boiled over and personal insults were hurled within the Bears locker room.
And according to ESPN's Jon Greenberg, Brandon Marshall was reported to have said the word "unacceptable" 16 times during a three-minute interview.
Read the transcript and judge for yourself.
Greenberg: Brandon, the offense really struggled to gain traction today. Why do you think . . .
Brandon Marshall: [ring tone - 'My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I'm like, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours'] Hold on a sec, Jon. I've got my wife on the horn here . . . [puts phone on speaker] Ya-ellow! Hi hon! Heads up, you're on speaker. Listen, I'm at work. Can I call you back in like an hour?
Michi Nogami-Marshall: Hey baby, I'm picking up some things at the store for dinner, do you need anything?
Brandon: Um, I don't know, maybe some kale, or cheddar cheese, I'd have to look in the fridge . . . I tell you what babe, I'll give you a call in a little bit. I'm kind of tied up.
Michi: Well I'm at Target now. I'm thinking of making a whitefish casserole with a Lavaburst Hi-C drizzle or maybe a peanut butter sauce . . .
Brandon: Wow honey . . . that sounds just . . . [places hand over receiver and grimaces] . . . that sounds really different. But listen, ya' know, the whole professional athlete thing. I've got to watch what I put in my body. Eating something that, uh, adventurous, could be just . . . [makes the 'I don't know what to tell this person' face while shaking head] irresponsible . . . ?
Kyle Long: [walking past locker] Christ, Marshall. You'll probably bleed some kind of weird syrup out of your ass if eat that lingonberry tuna fin surprise, or whatever the hell she's talking about. Don't do it dude, that shit sounds reprehensible [continues walking].
Michi: What was that? Brandon, you're breaking up . . . ugh. This phone sucks. Did you just say my cooking was "unacceptable?"
Brandon: No, sweetie. I appreciate that you're making dinner. I didn't say your, concoction was unacceptable . . .
Michi: [in that mock dude voice all chicks use] Oh. My "concoction" is "unacceptable." [end bad dude/bro voice] Brandon, you're being kind of a dick. I'm trying to do something nice . . .
Brandon: No, no, no. You're misunderstanding me babe. "Unacceptable" is not what I'm trying to say . . .
Michi: Unacceptable?! Unacceptable!! You know what, you're not my [expletive] dad and you sure as [expletive] ain't my boss. You call my cooking "unacceptable" one more time and you can just [expletive] set up stakes on the couch tonight.
Brandon: Michi, calm down. I didn't call you're cooking "unacceptable," let's table this until I get home. I really don't want to get in a fight right now . . .
Brandon: Dammit . . . friggin' T-Mobile. Oh, and thanks a ton, Kyle! You know that woman stabbed me one time, right?
Long: [from across room] Ha! You're about to shanked in your own shower, bro!
Brandon: Guh . . . [shaking head] . . . dick.
Robbie Gould: [wandering in] When you say something like that to your wife, expect it to hurt when you get home. If you're playing with her heart, it's supposed to hurt. That is, if you've got a pulse.
Brandon: Where the hell'd you come from Dr. Phil? Just . . . you know what . . . you, just worry about you for a minute. You just kick the ball, okay? Just do what you do, and let me worry about what I do, when I'm at home.
Gould: I heard you call that food "unacceptable." That's bull, dude. A woman cooking you a hot meal is "acceptable" at worst.
Brandon: You're messing with me now, aren't you.
Gould: Ahhh! Ya' know I don't have a poker face. Got your back, m'man. Bros before hos! [taps three fingers over his heart twice in what appears to be a gang sign] Oye ese!
Brandon: Okay, okay. Get the hell outta here, buddy. I'll see you in film Tuesday.
Greenberg: So Brandon, about the game.
Brandon: Oh, right. Yeah, that shit was a disaster.
So as you can see, the word "unacceptable" was only used nine times and the situation was wildly exaggerated by the media.
Same Old New England
Anecdotally, I don't think Tom Brady has lost to the Bears in any head-to-head match-ups. It sure doesn't feel like he has.
Factually, that theory seems to bear out; he is 3-0 against Chicago in his career. I should really start reading things on the Internet before I type stuff on it for public consumption.
So what do we know about the 2014 Patriots?
I think Vince Wilfork is still employed by them, and if he isn't he was likely traded for a second-round draft pick in the offseason despite having his tibia removed in February. You know how the Pats do.
When asked about his team during the mid-week conference call, Tom Brady reassured the Chicago media that despite his status as a "happily married man," he could still "totally slay ass" if called upon by the team.
"It's all about doing whatever it takes to help us win," said Brady. "Whether Coach Belichick needs me to hand it off, throw a block out of the Wildcat, or bury my dong in the cum dumpsters of a hundred local floozies between Thursday afternoon and Sunday morning, I'm all about the New England Patriots."
Okay, duly noted.
Despite a mediocre start and expectations for the team diminishing on the national level, New England has had a resurgence of late.
"As a group, we're enjoying the roll we're on right now," continued Brady. "Obviously, we took a blow when [running back Stevan] Ridley went down with the knee injury. But [Shane] Vereen stepped up big and really carried the load last weekend. When I needed a partner to spitroast this chickenhead I know back in Foxborough, we really established a strong ground game and teamed that bitch like nobody's business."
I guess the takeaway is that despite the roster turnover, not much has changed since we saw the Pats in 2010.
I don't know what Troy Brown is up to these days, but don't smell his fingers if he offers. No matter how trustworthy he looks.
Kool Aid (2 of 5 - Samuel Adams)
I'd be lying if I said that I expected anything big out of this game, at least out of the Bears, but for better and worse they've been defying the odds this season in all ways possible.
I'm going to take some kind of stance here and say that it is utterly . . . conceivable? . . . that the Bears pull out a win this weekend in Massachusetts.
I mean, I don't think they will, but heck I've got to write about it so I might as well watch the game! I'm not saying you need to, but I'll be there.
Stop by my place if you want to get all voyeuristic and watch Tom Brady bend the Bears defense over like a cheap stripper.
Patriots 31, Bears 17
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.