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Tales From The Crypt

Marc's Little Secret
Looking back, we should have known something was up when the Bears attempted an onside kick with the lead.

For those of you who missed the first half of Sunday's contest, (presumably because you were either returning to town from international travel or hastily concluding the burial of your mother-in-law), there were about 40 minutes of this game in which the outcome was still in doubt for most of us.

But not for one observant individual.

And I don't mean that Marc Trestman was photographed sounding a ram's horn while wearing a "Happy New Year 5775!*" hat.

I mean he was perceptive.

Trestman figured out much more quickly than the rest of us that the Bears were going to need at least one extra possession to run with the Packers, and unless that creepy puppet master who controlled N'Sync got her hands on Aaron Rodgers and ran him directly into the Packers end zone for a safety, the defense wasn't going to make that extra bite at the apple happen.

Looking back, it was a moot point. Jay Cutler would go on to throw approximately 17 picks, the defense would put a stop to nothing but optimism and punter Pat O'Donnell was last seen speeding out of the Museum Park marina on his boat The Legs n' Bacon**.

Which begs the question, what could the Bears have done differently?

Post Mortem Boredom
The Chicago sports talk scene spent most of the week discussing the supposed key swing plays that could have pushed the outcome in the other direction, and to some extent they're right.

Things would have turned out differently if, say, Martellus Bennett was awarded an extra touchdown, ya' know just cause he's such a handsome gent, and the game ended at halftime.

Yay! Bears win 24-21!

The trend in fan feedback spilled into the contents of this week's mail bag. Many of the letters not marked "Leftover Anthrax From 2002" featured tasteful nudes [Editor's Note: we hope these were nude photos. Many appeared to be just pictures of raw chicken covered in pepper].

Those that contained legible English carried a common theme of "what if."

What if they had made flag?
- Joline, Moline IL

Great question Joline and thanks for writing in! Before we get down to brass tacks, I just want to point out a typo that I found in your question.

It's spelled "Jenny."

Regarding the coaching staff's use of the challenge flags, I saw Mel Tucker wiping his tears with one towards the end of the game, which appeared to be their best use at the time.

You know that retarded ball Cutler hucked to Marshall that got picked? What would have happened if they got on the same page?
- Gary, Gary IN

Ah yes.

If I remember correctly, Cutler's second pick was the result of a cross-up between him and Brandon Marshall.

Marshall made a double move and broke for the end zone, while Cutler threw the ball into an area of the field populated by four Packer defenders and the six-foot-tall animatronic nacho that serves as the Green Bay mascot.

Cutler clearly thought that Marshall was going to "sit down" or was going to run a hook route. He didn't and then the nacho guy ate the ball, resulting in six points for the Packers.

Also, I spoke with a friend who suffers from Down's Syndrome after reading your letter.

He takes offense to your use of the word "retarded" in describing the ball, noting that no self-respecting developmentally challenged individual would ever do something stupid enough to land them in the clutches of a Green Bay Packer.

When is your band releasing its debut album?
- Carl Last Name Withheld, Arlington Heights IL

I'm glad you asked. Normally, I wouldn't eat up precious digital real estate discussing my non Bears-related side projects, but since my public demands it I suppose I must oblige.

[Editor's Note: We removed over 22,000 words of tentacle-themed erotica from the last three weeks of The Blue and Orange Kool-Aid Report in 2013.]

During the recording of "Tit Hungry Studs," the living members of Tasty Blast decided to go on hiatus, citing "creative differences."

[Editor's Note: I played keyboard in Tasty Blast. We all left due to "irreconcilable ability to work with the asshole bass player."]

It's just as well, because right now I'm like, totally busy finishing up a project that I've spent five yours bringing to life.

Carl Mohrbacher Presents: Smooth Up In Ya On Ice - The Unauthorized BulletBoys Biopic.

We're planning to open at the Admiral Theater next summer. Bring the kids!

Paws, Play and Rewind - Carolina News 'N' Notes
Like most people on Earth, the good folks of Chicago don't have much of a scouting report on the Carolina Panthers.

Other than 6,000 ESPN pieces on the addition of a suffix to Steve Smith's name (it is Esq.), the only thing we're sure about as it relates to North Carolina's football team is that if Cam Newton is injured, a former Browns quarterback will be placed at the helm, presumably Jake Delhomme.

Here's a primer on the NFC South's only land animal.

  • Defensive end Frank Alexander was suspended 14 games for illegally downloading that "rahw RAHW rahw" noise on the Pirate Bay.
  • Coach Ron Rivera (known better in some circles by his rap name "Riva-Boat") has flatly denied that "Unleashing The Newt" is a British sex move, but rather a quote that was taken out of context.
  • A press release on Tuesday confirmed that despite Steve Smith's departure, the Panthers have several wide receivers on their roster.
  • "Hey guys, remember me? Guys?" said tight end Greg Olsen during the weekly media conference call.

Kool Aid (3 of 5 - Mastiff Oatmeal Stout)
I understand that after last week, it's going to be a little tough to immediately jump back on the bandwagon.

You'll need something a little more substantial to swish around while you skeptically watch this shootout.

While you're deciding whether to emotionally reinvest in this season, try this drinking game: First person unable to make a Panther-related pun in the voice of the Crypt Keeper has to drink.

Over the last two weeks, the Carolina defense has been cat-atonic.

They've been widely criticized for failing to put in a meow-nce of effort.

Their front four have been unable to consistently purrrr-essure opposing quarterbacks.

When the hell is Trestman going to work Josh Mourge-an into the offense?

Ego Ferguson needs to get his shit together or . . . he's not going to make the . . . team?

Drink, buddy.

Bears win by a whisker.

Bears 38, Panthers 35.

* If this joke doesn't make any sense to you, go make a Jewish friend, or at least hire an accountant.

** This vessel's bumper sticker reads "My Other Job Is A Foot Job."

-

Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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