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There's No "L" In NYC
Considering that the Jets rushing attack was averaging about four more yards per attempt than New York quarterback Geno Smith was throwing for, I was a bit surprised that Jets offensive mastermind Marty Mornhinweg (seen here sweating through a poncho on his way to initiate a class-action lawsuit against Bing Images) tried to beat the Bears though the air.
Granted, by the end of the game the Bears had sustained so many injuries in the secondary that Phil Emery hastily re-signed former wideout Earl Bennett and instructed him to "just take this $8,000 and run around in centerfield like a damn crab you have to."
As my grandpappy used to say, "It's Uter-US, not Uter-TEAM." Which I believe translates to "the Jets look like a team that wants to giftwrap victories for their opponents" in Hungarian.
Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
Welcome Back To Point "A"
If you had told me that Chicago would start out the season 2-1, I would have been stunned.
Not because of the Bears' record, but rather that someone reading my work on the internet had been able to reach through the veil of space and time to speak directly into my psyche, or that my steady slide into madness had picked up unexpected steam and lurched over the edge into an utter freefall.
No, it turns out that I'm still sane enough to be barely employable, and it also turns out that the Bears are exactly who we thought they were.*
An offense so certain that running it up the gut will fail that quarterback Jay Cutler throws it deep to Alshon Jeffery whenever a drive stalls, or when down-and-distance is anything greater than 2nd-and-8.
This habit that has extended to the point that whenever Cutler has to dispose of dinner leftovers or clothes that his child has outgrown, he simply heaves them in the direction of the nearest sideline after giving cursory looks to the garbage can or nearest Salvation Army.
To be fair, the last four times he tried this with dinner, Jeffery did haul in the mostly finished plate of lasagna twice and Kristin Cavallari was called for pass interference on the third attempt.
Play along at home!
Simply huck anything under 15 pounds into the air and watch No. 17 appear out of nowhere to bail you out.**
Next ACL Up
Like its predecessor, the 2014 squad features an injury-prone defensive backfield that is so comfortable in the proverbial "next man up" mentality that this week's 53-man roster will include Defensive Quality Control Coach Chris Harris and certified gold Red Label Music recording artist, Shufflin' Crew vocalist Gary Fencik.
Sure, we beat this theme into the ground last season, but who could blame us?
The only thing that most Bear defenders where guarding in 2013 was a chair in the crowded reception area of Dr. James Andrews' office.
Fortunately, six members of the 2014 draft class came with eight game warranties for their ACLs, so depth won't be an issue for another few weeks.
The last meeting with Green Bay finished with one of the great season-ending heartbreaks in recent memory, but it wasn't the worst atrocity that the Packers committed during the rivalry's 93-year history.
- Albeit accidental, Green Bay kicker Tiny Engebretsen aids in the creation of a false pretext for war by farting on a Nazi tank. Hitler uses the excuse to invade Poland in 1939.
- During the 1967 offseason, Packers running back Donny Anderson sets off the Milwaukee race riots by responding too loudly to a friend's inquiry regarding the size of the bass he caught the prior weekend. Turns out there were many people in the late '60s who, due to an understandable level of agitation, might be prone to misinterpreting the word "BIGGER."
- Coach Bart Starr tops the charts in 1975 with "Disco Cheese (Better Cheddar Boogie All Night) Featuring Donald Duck."
- Brett Favre celebrates his wife's cancer diagnosis in October of 2004 by spending $22,000 at "Asian Invasion Massage and Credit Union."
- May 13, 2012: Aaron Rodgers rapes a baby elephant at a zoo opening.
Kool Aid (5 of 5 - New Glarus Hometown Blonde)
You'll pay for the whole seat but you're only going to need the edge of it.
Actually, you should really use the middle of it, if nothing else to muffle the sound of your farts, because it's a noon game and you'll likely be in the company of friends and eating a lot of greasy snack foods.
When the Bears take on the Pack at Soldier Field, throw out all the record books, especially the recent records, and most especially the ones with Jay Cutler's last eight performances because you absolutely do not to want to look at that garbage.
But speaking of garbage, this iteration of the Packers is still squarely in the midst of its annual early-season mediocrity. The Packers are playing poorly and the Bears are a-RIDIN' HIGH on a lofty two-game winning streak.
Unfortunately, I don't think leaving the ball in Aaron Rodgers' hands during the last possession leads to an overthrow in the end zone like it does with Geno Smith.
Late in the fourth, the Packers pull out a road win.
Packers 28, Bears 27.
* Other than pondering his career 10-45 head coaching record at Northwestern, being unpaid for his last year with the Sacramento Mountain Lions, or scheming a way to litigiously wrest controlling interest of the Minnesota Vikings from the Wilf family, I wonder what Denny Green is up to these days.
** WARNING! Alshon Jeffery will NOT receive the following sub-15 pound items when you throw them into the air: drywall nails, Prussian helmets, unwanted children, incorporation papers for LLCs operating in the state of Delaware, Sunny D, purple stuff, refurbished hard drives, Tales From The Crypt Season 2 VHS Box Sets, his wife's purse or that Chinese kid named Tikki Tikki Tembo No Sa Rembo Chari Bari Ruchi Pip Peri Pembo.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.
Lake Forest, Loserville. Plus: The Butt Fumble Bulls; Jerry Krause Was Right; Blackhawks Grinding Against Bad Teams; The Charmed Life Of Clean-Living Kris Bryant; Cubs Playing Match Game With Starters; Joe Maddon's World Series Managing Even Worse Than We Thought; Contracting Tim Anderson; Fire Get Schweinsteiger; A Team To Root For; and UIC's Tiny Dance.Continue reading "The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #145: The Butt Fumble Bears" »
Posted on Mar 24, 2017