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I wish all Bears opponents would utilize the kind of strategy the Cowboys brought to the frozen lakefront.
And by "strategy," I mean use an implausibly successful running game to lull the Bears defense into a false sense of ineptitude, only to unleash a passing attack that consists of nearly a dozen total completions.
A cunning ruse indeed!
But I suppose the 'Boys aren't paying Miles Austin to block for DeMarco Murray; they're paying him to limp through a route as the third option behind Tony Romo overthrowing Dez Bryant and spiking the ball on fourth-and-nine.
And kudos to the Bears franchise for honoring the longest tenured Jew on the roster by effectively giving him a day off for Hanukkah. No need to punt when the ironically named "Big D" visits the "Big C*," Adam Podlesh.
And along those lines, a special thanks to readers of my column on "VintageTenticalCam.biz" for making my film Big D vs. Big C the highest grossing adult-themed fan fiction homage to the late/great Larry Hagman in history. And to all of you vultures viewing it for free on YouPorn . . . you can go on and continue to "F" yourself.
You Guys Are All Completely Out Of Your Goddam Mind
Looks like we've got ourselves a good ol' fashioned quarterback controversy a-brewin' here in the Big Windy C.
Like most of you, I'm very excited about the success that Josh McCown has experienced this year. What I don't understand is the growing movement to hand him the starting job henceforth, in perpetuity, best-ies for life, etc.
Let me see if I can follow along with the rationale here.
Josh McCown has 38 career starts in an 11-year career . . . he's the proverbial "just a guy" who's played some good ball in recent weeks.
McCown: 38% of the time, it works every time.
I'll wait while you dig through stats from the Cardinals, Dolphins, Marvin Ridge High School Footballers and yes, even the Bears to counter that point. Yeah, remember he kinda really sucked when he was the starter at the end of the 2011 season?
Of course you don't! But let's explore that angle.
McCown is having great season because he's never had an opportunity to play with receivers as talented as those on the Bears. Many believe this is an indication that he's just now able to tap into the latent talent that has somehow remained dormant for the majority of his professional career.
It's true that surrounding talent has never been there.
Just like it was true that I never got laid until I moved into house full of nymphomaniacs back in the early aughts.
Congratulations to both of us for cashing in on the available talent when a guy named Jay's ankle got hurt getting run over by a big mean dude.
Lastly, do you remember what this town was like before 2009?
I mean, we all assumed the circumstances that led to Dave Krieg starting under center were related Virginia McCaskey losing a hand in a high-stakes poker game against the villain from Moonraker.
And hey, maybe Steve Walsh could start a playoff game in which the Bears don't get annihilated by the 49ers, who knows!
And they traded for Rick Mirer. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
The Bears have a legitimate starting quarterback. Let's not all go grabbing our shovels and bricks to build a bridge to some ridiculous world in which the Bears are running a 34-year-old quarterback out there on purpose.
The Cleveland Browns
No header joke necessary. It's the Browns.
Kool-Aid (4 Out Of 5 Red Solo Cups Filled With Signature Slush)
This is going to be an intriguing game.
Jay Cutler is probably going to start, Jason Campbell will definitely start and it's starting to get old talking about Josh McCown, so we'll just leave him out of this.
A team that's quite a bit more dangerous than their 4-9 record would indicate, the Browns took the Patriots right to the edge last week and then the refs remembered that Tom Brady is to be made a winner whenever possible.
Cleveland has a "meh" offense and the Bears have a defense (raises his voice an octave)?
A Bears win and a Detroit loss equals first place with two to play? Huh?
This could be fun!
Or soul crushing.
Either way, I'll watch and you should too.
Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.