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How 'Bout Them Cowboys

Hm? There was a game last week? I watched the Redskins-Giants football match. It must have slipped my mind the Chicago Athletes played . . . oh, right right right. Chicago Bears. Got it.

Heh, you know what's really weird guys? How Jay Ratliff suddenly wants to be called "Jeremiah."

That's noteworthy!

You know what else is astounding? Matt Forte officially passed Neal Anderson for fitting the most Cracker Jacks in his mouth at once.

78 Cracker Jacks! That's second only to Walter Payton's team record of 97*!

Anybody want to hear about that time when a priest made me dress up as a girl scout and sing Shirley Temple songs?

Seriously, I want to start talking about the Cowboys immediately.

King Of The Cassel
It's as true now as it was in 2008: You don't give Matt Cassel a second bite at the apple.

Thanks to Cassel's performance in the fourth quarter, the Bears secondary didn't even live up to the lofty standard of "loosely affiliated practice squad rejects, and Tim Jennings" that we'd come to expect through three quarters.

And before we all insert the hackneyed old parable, "you can't stop Matt Cassel on 4th and 11, you can only hope to contain his dick in your butt and pray he doesn't go on to rape other parts of your body," let's remember that this is a guy who lost his job to both "The Artist Formerly Known As Bucs Quarterback Josh Freeman" and Christian Ponder, someone who makes the Vikings front office flinch every time they think that they could have drafted Brandon Weeden, or possibly even Joss Whedon.

Oh, what a world that would have been! But then the Firefly movie never would have gotten made.

So the Bears defense as it's currently constituted can't stop an offense that consists of Adrian Peterson (dot dot dot) and nobody. Placing ladies, zombies, former players, injured former players, cardboard cutouts of injured current players, Craig Steltz, food traps or coach limbs on the field to impede the progress of an opposing offense has yielded inconsistent results.

Incidentally, the Bears organization was fined $475,000 and faces the potential loss of a draft pick for having Robbie Gould attempt a field goal on second down.

In future news, Matt Cassel throws six straight incompletions against the Ravens and is removed from the game with concussion-like symptoms. He is replaced by Josh Freeman, even though he is a healthy scratch.

Mike Pereira cannot find a rule that says this is an issue and because the league is busy handing out fines for neon green wristbands in the Browns-Patriots game, nobody seems to care that Freeman plays the duration in a Brad Daugherty Cavaliers road jersey.

In future-future news, the Vikings perform an unprecedented complete turnover at the quarterback position and sign Josh McCown, Matt Flynn and Chad Henne; all for two years, $25 million.

Freeman is drafted by the Pelicans** and averages 15 and 10.

Kool-Aid (3 Out Of 5 Glasses Of Leftover Wine That I Looted From My Parents' House)
It may surprise you to find out that I have a mortgage and a child.

On the other hand, those of you with mortgages and children may also understand that roofs over heads and colleges aren't free, so taking advantage of a good deal when you see one is critical to balancing a habit with a responsibility.

So, when your dad says "I need help drinking all of this wine," you back up the truck.

My level of interest in this game is a little inflated because my wife's side of the family are predominantly Cowboys fans and we plan to spend Monday night yelling at each other.

Because of the rave reviews the Cowboys are getting from national media, I was shocked to find that Dallas is 7-5; a whopping one game better than the middling Bears.

On the other hand, the ycan boast a win over the Lions so I guess they have us there.

I don't think Dallas is much more than a .500 team and I don't think Chicago is much more than a .500 team . . . so I'm giving the Bears the automatic three-point home field advantage.

Bears 20
Cowboys 17


*Emmitt Smith topped Payton's all-time career record for Cracker Jacks held in the mouth by about fifteen hundred, but temper that with the fact that Smith's offensive line did a better job of breaking down the Cracker Jacks than Chicago's did for Payton early in his career.

**I'm sure someone else has said this already, but doesn't it sound like the New Orleans Pelicans are part of the same league where Jamie Foxx plays quarterback for the Miami Sharks?


Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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