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Explain Away The Pain

Coming to theaters next summer, Jay Cutler (high ankle), Lance Briggs (mid shoulder), Peanut Tillman (Eastern arm tear), Brad Pitt, Henry Melton (most of knee), Kelvin Hayden (meat off of leg bone), George Clooney, Nate Collins (knee stuff still strewn about football field), Andy Garcia, Kristin Cavallari, Don Cheadle, Matt Damon, The Ghost of Sir Francis Drake (deceased), Julia Roberts, D.J. Williams (ripped chest/shredded abs . . . damn you T25!), John Boehner and Ryan Seacrest star in Steven Soderbergh's Smug Caper Movie Number Six.

A madcap tale about hotels and money laundering featuring actors in such a good mood, you'll have to assume they were paid triple their normal salary to declare injury and appear on location to film during the football season.

That right, I've moved on to conspiracy theories.

Decisions, Decisions
It might have been the editorial narrative of the Fox broadcast, but even without the shots of Jay Cutler's hand looking like it had been stung by a mutant wasp, and the frequent cuts to the leader of the offense apathetically limping towards the sideline, it became pretty obvious midway through the second quarter that the Bears QB might have just been putting on the ol' poker face to get back in the game.

Also, Josh McCown donning his helmet on the opening kickoff, Jordan Palmer dressing for the game and Jim Miller warming up in the tunnel should have been a dead giveaways that the team knew Cutler wasn't 100% . . . or even 65%.

A pinch of pre-Trestman would have been worth a pound of cure, but ultimately the head coach felt that Cutler was good enough to go and thus we have the first controversial move of this coaching regime.

Up to this point I've been pleased with the job the guy has done, but this seemed like a move to needlessly placate a fan base that has already resigned itself to a 9-7 season. We're fine, Marc. Just take us out for a pizza and get us home by Monday.

But at least the choice to run Cutler out there had a waft of rationale; you want to show your team that the captain is tough, you all should be tough, we are tough, blah-blah-etc.

The calls that really stuck in my craw were the last two.

A double-bite at the apple against a team that just loves to come undone in the final minutes turned into 11 guys stumbling all over the damn place.

Somebody needs to explain to me what that first play was, like at all. Just a little something we cooked up called "run around and toss the ball out of the back of the end zone," eh? They'll never suspect that Staley will make the game-winning catch as time expires!

And also why running another sweep, or outside draw, or anything resembling a sideways run seemed to have merit given that it hadn't worked for the prior 59 minutes escapes me.

Even two consecutive incompletions to a triple-covered Brandon Marshall would have sat better.

Secondary Market
Another match-up that looked awesome going into the season that's turned into a Fox graphic about notable departures and inactives.

Hey Boldin! Good luck roaming the middle with Urlacher and Briggs on patrol! Err . . . we got a Dennis Pitta fan in the house? No? Well, here's one better.

The Texans have officially released former Ravens superstar Ed Reed; I say the Bears should sign him.

First off, we can get all handsy with him in pre-game and make Baltimore like, totally jealous.

Remember when you got to get all up in this grandpa beard, Michael Oher? Now it's all mine!

Secondly, and assuming that it wasn't a refurb, Reed's new hip is technically younger than either Major Wright or Chris Conte.

F-it. He starts.

Quoth The Baltimore
As some of you know, and will likely not admit to your wife, I write a weekly column for the Baltimore-based website VintageTenticalCam.biz.

Last week we plumbed the depths of several important topics, like a review of Seymour Butz' web reality series, and a lambasting of Dr. Wayland McTuffle, the monster who did Alicyn Sterling's boob job and posed the question, are there any hotter Asians than Asia Carrera?

The answer may surprise you!

In a shameless bit of cross-promotion, I invited readers of Carl's Cl-Ass-icks to use their one free hand to send in Baltimore-themed ideas for the headers of this week's BAOKAR.

Most of them were utterly unusable, and several were just pictures of balls, and those that were fit to print weren't funny. So I split the difference.

MisterMasterClense writes:

Hi Carl, great stuff this week. I vote 'in her dresser' for the Reader Pole. It's a little creepier and a lot more satisfying. Anywho, name one of the sections Joe Sack-O and talk about the size of Joe Flacco's sack. The guy wins on the road more than anyone.

Thanks MMC, but mixing the word "sack" into a compliment about a quarterback doesn't quite add up. Maybe, Sack The Flac, He Just Comes Back? I'll work on it.

DaysOfGloryHole checks in with:

C-mohr, I did some research and found a legitimate porn version of Married With Children. It stars Nikki Wild and was written by Mad Dad Dan. Have you considered The Pit And The Perineum for one of the headers of your football thing?

Originally got there with the bit about Ed Reed, but was later edited for content. Also, you're talking to the guy who owns the complete works of K.C. Williams. I am aware of the film. I was hoping someone could find a video of Ed O'Neill actually boffing Katey Sagal.

InSpace_NoOne_CanHear_YouReam:

That's So Raven's Butthole!

Winner.

Kool-Aid (2 Out Of 5 Glasses Of Whine)
I'll cop to it. The injuries have made me a little bitchy the last few weeks. Or maybe it's just that I wrote this week's column stone sober. That would explain the itching.

I got so caught up, um, "researching" the source material for this column I totally forgot that I had to make a prediction.

Let's see . . . the Bears will . . . play a . . . football game . . . and . . . something . . . come back in five minutes . . .

[Time Passes]

Ok, thanks!

I'm not flushed, it's just hot in here. Shut up.

Welcome to a real scary stretch, Bears fans. With the Packers sans quarterback, the Lions just itching for a chance to blow a two-game lead late in the year, and the Bears with enough offense to stay in most games, you're staring down the barrel of hope's purgatory.

The Ravens aren't great, and the Bears aren't bad.

I say "not bad" is good enough to get Chicago to 6-4.

Bears 24
Ravens 17

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Carl Mohrbacher is our man on the Kool-Aid. He welcomes your comments.

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